Situation Wanted: Waterboy

Lingerie Football League
West Hollywood, CA

To Whom It May Concern:

I note with great interest that just today the storied Lingerie Football League announced the formation of a new franchise, the Cleveland Crush, which will begin play next autumn in my hometown. As a lifelong Cleveland sports fan and a nearly lifelong fan of lingerie, I am thrilled. Allow me to be among the first to welcome the team with open arms.

Alas, in addition to football and slinky undergarments, my interest in the LFL's newest harem team extends to more mundane matters: employment. As a recent "graduate" of the unemployment line, I know too well the pains of not working. Although I am newly, and happily and gratefully, employed, I would be remiss to take such employment for granted and self-negligent not to continue to strive for career advancement. Hence, my present application to fill the job of waterboy for the Crush's inaugural season.

Now I realize I might be a little premature here, what with the franchise's existence just being announced today; obviously the days of sweaty, two-a-day drills with perspiration-besotted ends and backs craving liquid refreshment and replenishment are months away, but having closely observed the ins and outs of various local gridiron coaching/front office legends like Phil Savage, Butch Davis, and Romeo Crennel, I know that the groundwork for a successful football team is laid months in advance. My services to help lay that groundwork are yours. A well-hydrated football team is a winning one.

What, you may ask, are my qualifications for such work? Well, I know that a couple hydrogen atoms mixed with a stray oxygen one make water. Qualified to make water? Check. I know people who are bent over and panting usually need water. Qualified to accurately assess the situation? Check. I know people drink water, not snort it. Qualified to deliver product effectively? Check. Ergo, look no further than moi. (I might add here that ultimately I consider myself perhaps best suited for the equipment/uniform manager position, but although I am confident, I am not cocky; I am willing to work my way up the ladder. Where the Lingerie Football League is concerned, I am definitely a team player.)

In closing, I wish you all the best success in Cleveland, and I hope you will consider my qualifications for waterboy. If the position has already been filled, or if, possibly, there are better qualified applicants, I understand and would like you to know that I am definitely willing to volunteer my time as a scrimmage player.