Two Birds, One Stone: Solving The Budget Crunch And Restoring Civility

Is there anything more tiresome and irritating than listening to politicians grouse, grandstand, and finger-point about the ongoing budget fracas in Washington that threatens to shut down Uncle Sam tomorrow? Other than listening to pundits comment on it all (which, living as I do without a TV, I'm thankfully spared), I think not. Outside of the always-threatened but never enacted plan of "locking both sides in a room and not letting them out until..." there doesn't seem to be any solution to the mess.

Until now. My plan, which I will be unveiling at a public rally at dusk today in the linen section of a nearby Wal-Mart, not only will solve the budget crisis today but will make budget crises a thing of the past. How can you do the impossible, Mr. spitoutyourgum, you say? Easy, I'm relying on the very thing that's fueling the current crisis-- the unchecked assholiness of our politicians--but writ much larger. You see, if our politicians are truly our representatives, then we, the citizens of the United States, must have a wealth of assholiness(AHs) ourselves. I say tap that pool of AHs. In doing so, not only will our fiscal emergencies be rectified almost immediately, but perhaps, the US will be a more civil place to live, maybe not for us, but quite possibly for our children's children, and aren't they the ones who matter most?

I'm not talking about a tax on AHs, just a fine. Taxes are imposed on all and, as we've been told, are inevitable. But fines are only levied on those who deserve them, the jerks who behave in a such a way that the rest of society is disgusted. Make the transgressing jerks pay for the general upkeep of our way of life, that's my proposal. It doesn't take a cynical blogger to see that the revenue streams possible for such an endeavor are boundless.

Now I am more than prepared to provide the list of fine-able AHs (see below), but this being America and all, I do not aspire to be a dictator. I think we as a nation are more than capable of coming up with a fair list of AHs transgressions which deserve a fine. Hold a national AHs referendum. Or maybe you want to go the more bureaucratically dignified route of appointing a Blue-Ribbon Bi-Partisan Multi-Hyphenated Commission of Assholiness (where are Warren Christopher, James Baker, Ramsey Clark, Elizabeth Dole, and Vernon Jordan?) to study the issue, call witnesses, draft a proposal and present it to us? Fine, whatever works. Maybe, in a true sign of harmony and the New Civility, we could appoint those dueling pols of old, George W. Bush and Al Gore, to be the co-czars of the AHs Watch and they could Alfred E. Neuman the whole thing when announcing its catch-phrase: Everything's Fine, America. Whatever. Just let's get the job done. So, to get the ball rolling and the minds working, here's my list of some, not all, just some of the more egregious examples of AHs, which, if fined properly, would provide a torrent of revenue to the US coffers and maybe eventually bring about a more polite, reasonable society. Anyone caught demonstrating the following behaviors will be told, "Hey buddy, you're not fine, you're fined!" (Let the pros quibble over the monetary details--that's their job, you know--but I suggest $50 for first offense, escalating $25 per repeat offense.)

• Anyone who, while walking across a parking lot replies, to the only-trying-to-help statement by a stranger that "your lights are on," with a cocky, condescending, don't-intrude-upon-my-privileged-world-status, "they'll go off"? Fined.
• Anyone who, when hearing two notes of a Grateful Dead song, mutters in a dazed, worshipful tone, "Jerry"? Fined.
• Anyone, over the age of 18, who begins a speech with the phrase, "Webster's defines the word..."? Fined.
• Anyone who goes out in public on a day where the temperature is below fifty wearing shorts? Fined. If it's raining or snowing or sleeting? Doubly fined.
• Anyone who refuses a bag at a retail establishment, telling the retail clerk to "save a tree"? Fined.
• Anyone who talks on his or her cellphone in a public restroom? Fined, maybe flogged too, if the public deems it appropriate.
• Anyone who blogs an apology for not blogging more frequently lately? Fined.
• Anyone with more than two bumper stickers on his or her car? Fined.
• Anyone who, talking about the weather, says, "If this rain was snow we'd be getting killed"? Fined.
• Any politician who isn't already a household name appearing on television more than once a month to denigrate the other side as if this were a boxing match? Fined. With a household name more than once a week? Fined.
• Anyone not a girl under the age of 12 who uses the word "cute" more than twice a day? Fined.
• Any guy not under the age of 16 who utters the phrase, "that's what she said"? Fined.
• Anyone outside of the legally-defined boundaries of New England displaying any Red Sox garb? Fined. Talking incessantly (excuse the redundancy) about the Red Sox? Lobotomized. Then fined.
• Anyone who corrects anyone else by saying, "I'm not a Trekkie; I'm a Trekker"? Fined.
• Anyone who utters a variation on the sentence, "His songs are okay, but I can't stand his voice"? Fined.
• Any drive-thru employee who refuses to or forgets to put at least three packets of ketchup in any order involving french fries? Fined.

There's your start, America. Now let's get to work.