Will I Be Blogging A Week From Now?

When I first heard a few months ago that some group somewhere was predicting The Rapture to occur this May 21 (as in like this Saturday), I must admit I scoffed at the notion. If, as the group claimed, careful analysis of the Bible proves that 5/21/11 (or 21/5/11 for you overseas folks) will be the day, why haven't we known about this for years, centuries? But now I'm hedging my scoffing a bit. I mean, bin Laden's dead, the Mississippi River is "closed" (how I wish Mark Twain were still alive to comment on that one), the Cleveland Indians have the best record in baseball, the Cleveland Cavaliers are minutes away from scoring the top two picks in this year's draft, Newt Gingrich is actually running for president, Maria and Arnold have split up, and Bob Dylan is writing notes to his fans via the Internet. Plus, my local Home Depot is reporting a shortage on ark-building supplies. Something's definitely up.

As such, I've got a few questions pertaining to said Rapture if it does indeed occur this Saturday. First of all, as of 5 p.m. on Saturday, I will have earned another complete paycheck. Will I ever see that money, or should I call in sick the rest of the week? Can I finally get my decades longed-for mohawk knowing that whatever ensuing disinheritance ramifications won't last? Is there any way to sneak a glance into the what might have been future to see if the Tribe's magical season continued into October? Would the U.S. have ever elected president a guy named Newt? If hell is indeed right around the corner, can I take back some of what I said in my last post? Is it possibly true that the Rolling Stones were still intact when the world came to an end? Just how much does Michael Stipe know? Has Justin Bieber ever shaved?

If you have correct answers to any of these questions, I would appreciate you sending them to me pre-Saturday. As Alex Chilton once said, "It's time to buy some stuff on credit." See you soon, I think.