The Only Book That Matters

As a general rule, I'm in favor of literacy, and I certainly have a vested interest in people buying books (actually reading them is nice, too), so I was excited when I saw this post (click on it once or twice to enlarge it) on Buzzfeed.com yesterday, originally posted by one Dorsey Shaw at thefrisky.com.

Pretty utilitarian, I'd say, and kind of cute. Although I've only read Jane Eyre and A People's History of the United States from this chart, I know most of the other books, and I wouldn't really quibble with the selections. But, as usual, I've got issues. First of all, flow charts, when they're not being cute, remind me too much of meetings, and ultimately I don't know which is worse, cute or meetings. Also, most of the questions that keep the chart flowing are kind of simplistic, and since there are too many books to read and too little time, one needs more than a simplistic question to answer in order to determine the next book one might spend his or her precious time reading. Finally, as I studied the chart more closely, I realized that every question could be answered with, "Read Moby-Dick."

Which, I realize, is kind of a cop out, because just about every pertinent question confronting any human being could be answered quite efficaciously with, "Read Moby-Dick." You scoff? Well, a couple years ago for Lent I decided that for the forty days I would respond to any- and everybody's questions with, "Read Moby-Dick." I don't know if such an endeavor scored me any points in Heaven (though if there's a book written by a human that might impress God, can it be anything other than Moby-Dick?), but I must say I had the most enjoyable Lent of my life, and despite some initial bizarre looks, some talk among some close friends about an intervention, and a slap in the face from a mohawk-wearing woman who asked me where the bathroom was, the overall response was fantastic. People I don't even remember ever interacting with still come up to me on the street, kiss my hand, and say, "Thank you. You once told me, 'Read Moby-Dick,' and I did and my life is so much richer."

So, let's play the game my way. You say, "What should I read next?" I say, "Okay, I don't do flow charts, but do you want to read a book that's fiction, non-fiction, mystery, horror, dramatic, humorous, philosophical, that will make you laugh out loud and sob quietly, that will put you to sleep and keep you up nights, that contains no whiny spoiled British girls desperately trying to get married, that will make you ponder questions that ultimately will help you see yourself more clearly, that will give you a huge sense of accomplishment, that will help you discover how a person can arrive at the wise conclusion that the only necessities are 'time, strength, cash, and patience,' that will help you quench your thirst to learn all there is to know about cetology, that you can read with beautiful and intelligent teenaged girls in a summer park, that you can pick up anytime and read any three pages and get a better life-affirming jolt from than any morning pot of coffee, that will wow you with its prose and poetry, that will challenge/deepen/confirm your beliefs in the multifariousness of human nature and the awesomeness of nature nature, a book that will thrill you kill you spill you, chastise baptize fortify multiply sustain drain brain cuddle befuddle daze amaze tickle fickle prickle you?"

If yes, read Moby-Dick and be blessed.

If no, repent, get a life, and then read Moby-Dick.