It's In The Contract, Honey

Say what you will about the French, but don't say their legal system doesn't stand behind the nation's image as THE place and people for love. Or at least what seems to pass for love in these jaded times--sex. I saw this story the other day about a French court fining a man 10,000 Euros for not providing his (now ex-) wife with enough sex over the course of their 21-year marriage (not being too versed in foreign currency exchange rates, I'll leave to you the figuring out of what a year's worth of marital sex amounts to in greenbacks). Essentially, it seems, the court ruled that sex is a mandatory, enforceable part of the marriage contract.

Now I don't know le squat about French culture, but something tells me if the ramifications of this ruling waft over the pond to these litigious, infamously Puritan/Gomorrahan, Saturday night/Sunday morning American shores, Judge Judy and her robed brethren and sisteren are going to be inundated with alleged sexually neglected spouses of both genders. Eventually the Roberts Court will have to decide the ultimate question of just how much is enough (can't wait to hear Scalia on that one). Could be an interesting federal/states rights argument, too. I mean can one Supreme Court mandated number ("couples should and must have sex X times in the course of one [non-leap] calendar year") possibly be sufficient for such a "contain multitudes" diverse American culture? Is the young South Beach trophy wife's makin' whoopee needs equal to those of the 40-year married "and damn proud of it" Rotarian (well, maybe Kiwanian) hardware proprietor from Pierre, (North/South I never remember which) Dakota?

I don't know, but it seems inevitable to this cultural wag that eventually the actuaries will have to get involved so that every spouse will be assured of his or her rights. "Well folks, from the data you've submitted and that I've run through our latest tables, I guess I'm happy--certainly kind of envious, to tell the truth--to inform you two that you really shouldn't leave the bedroom until April of every year." Or, "Can't say I've ever seen these results before, but you two 'life of the party' types seem to be, well, overdrawn. You might have to wait until time travel technology is perfected and then go back and feign a headache or two on those Pocono getaway weekends you used to take in order to, well, even up your, um, scores." Which types of results will only lead to the inevitable "marriage bed" tax and that braggart neighbor of yours smilingly complaining about his tax bill, nudge nudge, wink wink. "Okay, honey, I'll get out that negligee, but it's going to cost us come tax time." Leave it to the French to screw up a good thing.