MOE's, OOers, and the Po: The Percentages Of Occupation

This morning I'm occupying my porch. Why? Because it's a beautiful morning, one where autumn seems to be yielding the floor a bit to old man summer's dotage. It's truly a "99%" porch--an open-air slab of concrete with a couple of mismatched second-hand chairs and a beat up yellow plastic table. Even the constantly scampering chipmunks find it a bit cramped. But all in all it's a nice relaxer. I'm also occupying what passes for pajamas in my world--in this case wholly opposing plaid patterns on top and bottom. And, once Mr. Coffee stops gurgling, I'll be hard at work de-occupying a cup or two of java. Later I have to go in and occupy my occupation for 16 out of 24 1/2 hours so I can continue to occupy the place where I'm an occupant. Otherwise, I'm occupied writing this. 

Since my doctor has sworn me off pie charts, and I lack the necessary poetic chops to write a 2011 update of Walt Whitman's great opus, "I Hear America Singing," it's a precarious thin line I'm attempting to tread here--between mathematical bells and whistles and poetic artistry--all in the service of trying to make sense of this whole "Occupy Wall Street," "Occupy Cleveland" (it's about time somebody does), and "Occupy Whatever." Now I'm all for exercising one's Constitutional rights, and railing against Greed, though a bit nebulous, seems like a pretty healthy, right-minded thing to do. My problem with it all is this 99% thing. The protesters are saying they are the other 99% of the population, in opposition to the 1% who are Greedheads and control everything? I'm not buying it. Outside of loving ice cream and kinda had it up to here with Nancy Grace, there is nothing that can claim the support of 99% of the population. We're talking 297 million, I-contain-multitudes Americans, give or take a few million.

Give or take, that's one of the big questions (I guess, quite literally, Give or Take is what this is all about, isn't it?). In every so-called scientific poll/survey/study, there's always that ambiguous give or take thing--margin of error (and isn't it always +/- 2.5%-5%? How come scientists--supposedly anal, precise folks--are allowed to get away with this Margin of Error thing, but no one else is? Why not gamblers? Try pulling this one at a Blackjack table: "Well you see, Mr. Dealer, 22 is within the realm of the margin of error, so I didn't actually lose. Gimme my chips back, please." Or, "I took the Browns and the seven-and-a-half points, Mr. Bookie. They lost 23-14 [yes, the Browns are capable of scoring 14 points {give or take 2.5-5} in one game], which is within the margin of error. Can I have my money back in crisp tens, sir?"). So right away we've got to knock that 99% down a tad to account for the Margin of Error (MOE). And trust me, there are a few MOE's walking around out there--the truly marginalized. The guy walking down the street with earbuds singing along, way out of key and pitch, to some song, usually exhorting someone to "get your booty on the dance floor." The woman obsessed with finding the nearby Holiday Inn where, in the Elmhurst Room, the American Idol paper doll figures convention is taking place. Anyone presently in line at Graceland who won't be buying the premium tour ticket. These people and so many more are the MOE's of American Life who certainly can't be accounted for in some simplistic 99% vs. 1% demographic matrix.

And what about the OOers? The Otherwise Occupied? In a more orderly world they might passionately side with either the 99% or the 1%, but as of right now, they're otherwise occupied. I mean it's obvious I'm not an Einstein with numbers, but out of 300 million Americans, there has got to be several thousand people currently suffering a raging toothache. You ever had a raging toothache? Let me tell you, it occupies you 100%, no MOE. What about brides-to-be? In the months--let alone weeks and days--leading up to her wedding, you think a bride-to-be can possibly be occupied with anything other than wedding plans? What about all the Jehovah's Witnesses faithfully going door-to-door as we speak, and all the homeowners politely opening their doors to them? You're going to say these people aren't otherwise occupied? The hungover? The folks waiting in line at a discount drug mart? Parents trying to placate an unhappy kid at Chuck E. Cheese? Pundits excoriating the 99% protesters? OOers, all of them.

And of course there's the Po, who are always with us, kind of. The Pre-occupied. The woman I run into now and then who's obsessed with "Shirley and Laverne," to the point where I can't even get a word in to inform her it's Laverne and Shirley. The folks busy making bladder control issue TV commercials. The folks in need of bladder control products. Any and all adolescent boys (aged 12-40, +/- 2-5years). Owners/renters/renting-to-own-ers of metal detectors. Zombies. Curling enthusiasts. Lana Del Rey fans. Bloggers. Civil War re-enactors. You can't count people in on the new Occupy X movement if they're already preoccupied, can you? Multi-task, fine, but it goes against the laws of physics, I believe, to multi-occupy.

And so, doing the math, rather quickly and with that comfortable margin of error crutch propped nicely in my right armpit, the sum of the MOE's, OOers, and Po comes out to roughly 150 million Americans (proper-birth-certificate possessing ones only, naturally). Which makes for one half-assed America. Which, if you have any sense of history, is about par for the course, status quo--which, for the 99% of those who are non-golfers and non-Latin scholars, is same as it ever was.

Back to the porch.