It's Not Goodbye, Dennis; It's Hello To The Rest Of Your Life

An open letter to Cleveland Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who was defeated last night in the primary.

Dear Dennis,

Congratulations. No, really. This is a great, great opportunity for you. Now you're a real outsider, with nothing to lose. Unfettered. No need to kowtow to anyone for something as cheap as a vote. So relax, take a deep breath, and let it out, man, let it out.

I'm sure, as I write this less than 12 hours after your defeat, the offers are already starting to pour in. Let them pour. Sure, your buddy Sean Penn is probably offering a permanent job as his stand-in cum in-house political wag. And if MSNBC doesn't offer you big bucks to put some zest (back?) into their nightly lineup, they're dumber than they seem. No doubt that nut Sarah Palin is probably calling ABC right now pitching the idea of you two getting together on Wife Swap and then following it up with a variety roadshow. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if ol' Obama isn't reading the morning paper and dreaming while he crunches his Cheerios ... hmmm, carpe diem, dump Joe finally and reprint the bumper stickers: Obama-Kucinich 2012. Yeah, that's the ticket! Or maybe he's thinking that with some facial hair (you can grow some, can't you?), you could almost pass for Ahmadinejad's brother. The two of you would be quite the pair. If anybody in the role of special envoy to Iran could dissolve the brewing crisis there before the Israelis um, resolve it permanently, it's you Dennis. Hell, politics makes strange bedfellows they say: Rush Limbaugh, gagging to find enough saliva these days to lick all his wounds, might just be ready for a co-host. The Limbaugh-Kucinich Report. If that doesn't make advertisers sprint back, nothing will. All great options, I admit, but personally, I'd lean toward the inevitable one coming from CBS, Undercover Minimum Wage Peon, in which you, fully polishing your everyman bona fides, take a different minimum wage job each week. If a year or two of watching you man a McDonald's drive-thru and stock shelves late night at Wal-Mart doesn't make the American populace demand you to run for President in 2016, I'd be ready to renounce my citizenship.

My point is, good God, man, you are free. The world is yours. Now just sit back and enjoy your ten months of lame duck status at the taxpayers' expense. Keep yourself open; don't commit to anything rashly. Let them drive up the price. Just don't, whatever you do, take calls from that idiot Trump. You are not, have never been, and will never be, anybody's apprentice. And although the pay isn't as good, and the national spotlight isn't as bright, please, I beg you, consider, just consider, coming full circle and running for Cleveland mayor again. God knows we need some excitement in this town.

May Shirley MacLaine's chakras be with you always.