Stop The Madness And Let Me Sleep!

Somebody recently asked me my dream job. I said to get paid for sleeping. I do it very well. Perhaps it's my greatest talent. But the news today might impinge on my soporific enjoyment and keep me tossing and turning in rage. Some alleged experts are saying that the ideal night's sleep for a human is seven hours, not the time-honored eight hours we've all believed for so long.

This stinks. Useless research "findings" should be sequestered. I say useless because what's the point? Who really has the luxury to (and the anality) to sustain a regimented sleeping schedule? Layabouts and prisoners only, I would wager. Life is just too busy, discombobulated, and ornery to allow most non-layabouts and unincarcerated people the opportunity for prolonged sleep-as-one-wishes periods. Eight is such a nice ideal. The most well-rounded number, fitting neatly into the 24-hour cycle, eight hours of sleep seems so reasonable. But now, with prices of everything only going up and up, with personal freedoms infringed upon and outright eliminated seemingly by the day, and with the task of just getting through the day until one can finally make it to bed getting more and more difficult, THEY are telling us to get less sleep. What's next, 2 + 2 = 5?

For a short, but long enough to be scientifically valid, glorious period of my life, I had the luxury to establish (though really it was discover) my body and mind and soul's natural rhythm. I slept from 3 a.m. until 11 a.m. No need for an alarm clock; I just naturally woke up after eight wonderful hours of sleep. Gone was the need for my favorite hobby: napping. I was more productive and happier during this time than any time in my life. Eight was enough, perfect, natural. Now, allegedly evidently, it's too much.

Loot my wallet, invade and curb my privacy, circumscribe my rights of expression, feel me up at the airport, but damn it, don't screw with my sleep. Wake all of us sleeping giants out there an hour early and that mega-revolution you all fear will erupt. I'm just warning you. Sleep on that.