If Elvis had given me a Cadillac,
I'd have waxed it every day and only driven it to church, once a month.
If Elvis were still alive,
He'd have had double hip replacement surgery years ago.
If Elvis's twin brother Jesse Garon had lived,
The world would have had to grow an annex to accommodate both of them.
If Elvis had had better metabolism,
That Vegasy white jumpsuit wouldn't be so iconic.
If Elvis had been black,
They would have jailed him or worse long before they would have drafted him.
If Elvis had wanted to,
He could have unseated Nixon in '72 in a landslide.
If Elvis had gone bald at the age of 23,
He wouldn't have had to have that humiliating haircut.
If Elvis had been allowed to tour the world,
He would have sparked cultural revolutions hither and yon no mullah could contain.
If Elvis had lived long enough to have been ripped off by Bernie Madoff,
Lamar Fike would have killed the guy.
If Elvis had lived long enough,
His version of Leonard Cohen's “Hallelujah” would be more revered than Jeff Buckley's.
If Elvis had been an alien,
Would anybody have noticed?
If Elvis had lived,
He'd have made a comeback movie in 1988, a romantic comedy written by Nora Ephron and co-starring Meryl Streep, which would have been a critical and commercial success and earned him an Oscar nomination; or, he would have waited to be coaxed out of retirement in 1999 by Quentin Tarrantino and made a foul-mouthed action-comedy that would have made him cool again to a whole new generation of the world's youth.
If Elvis had lived,
Jeff Lynne wouldn't have been a Traveling Wilbury.
If Elvis were still alive,
His ringtone would be Dean Martin's “Everybody Loves Somebody.”
If Elvis had lived,
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would be in Memphis, as it should.
If Elvis had killed the Colonel,
Would any jury anywhere have convicted him?
If not Elvis,
How much less fun?
Bill Parsons (Bobby Bare)-All American Boy
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