Daily Meds

God save the British! Not since a bunch of long-haired Limeys nearly fifty years ago re-introduced the joys of the Blues to Americans and Benny Hill more than thirty years ago taught Americans how to laugh again has a British import brought so much excitement--and truth!--to its offspring's shores. No, I'm not talking about the announcement that Prince Harry is coming to the USA to train in military helicopters. I'm talking about the study published in a British medical journal saying chocolate is good for you, in a medicinal, healthy way. Who needs Santa Claus anymore?

Whooosh! Just like that, gone are the days of unsheathing the long, sharp knife to saw in half a tiny Lithium pill to get the dosage just right. Goodbye to the days of reading long, fine-print ads in Men's Health magazine (not me, certainly, but I'm sure a few folks do) and then consulting your physician about the pro's and con's of Lipitor. Ciao to nights of politely saying to the waiter, as you pat your belly, "No, thank you. No dessert for me." Rather, say hello to days of regimented Hershey's therapy and nights of raising hot fudge sundae glasses and sincerely toasting your dinner compadres, "Here's to your health." Free at last, free at last!

I foresee so many "game-changing," "polar-shifting" effects stemming from, to this salubrious-minded fellow, this cataclysmic, on-the-scale-of-the-earth-revolves-around-the-sun-not-the-other-way-er-around scientific discovery that life as we know it will soon be divided not into pre- and post-computer time but into pre- and post-chococentric time. A few specific examples to merely hint at the cultural upheavals to come: Picture a group of senior citizens, getting together for their weekly "let's arrange our pills for the week into our plastic daily pill boxes" social gathering. Now the pill boxes will be much larger, able to accommodate a king-size Hershey with Almonds bar, and thus able to spell out the entire day instead of just simple M, W, F, etc.--imagine the confusion that will eliminate! Imagine the sweet sounds emanating from their table: "I take my Almond Joy Monday mornings, but not my Mounds until Friday night." "My doctor tells me to wash down my Wednesday morning Snickers with a Wendy's chocolate Frosty." "Didn't your pharmicist tell you about the dangers involved in the interaction of Milky Way and Three Musketeers taken the same day?" "I find chopping up my Saturday Baby Ruth and sprinkling it on my Cocoa Puffs has the best result." And so on.

Imagine the delight to millions of TV viewers, and the zing to users, when those inane separate-tubs Cialis commercials are replaced by ads showing a happy couple feeding each other Zagnuts in a frothy hot tub, together! Imagine how watching the Nightly News will be so much more endurable, nay, fun, when all those mysterious disease/syndrome commercials are replaced by singing, healthy Goobers and Raisinettes. Imagine the relief we'll all feel not having to witness a cardiac-frantic guy trying to fish little nitro pills out of a tiny tin container, but instead seeing the guy simply rip open a bag of plain M & M's and pour 'em down the hatch. Jeeze Louise, I just might find myself actually walking into a health food store for the first time ever, knowing they stock only the freshest Dove Bars. And, needless to say, the masterpiece that is the Heath Bar will finally be recognized by one and all as the word "penicillin" goes the way of the "typewriter." Screw that sinful apple; soon a Chunky bar a day will keep the doctor away. Take two Hershey Kisses and call me in the morning. Willy Wonka = Jonas Salk? Oh, what brave new delicious world is this? Pass the Reese's Pieces, Doc.