Why Should This Guy Get To Ask All The Good Questions?

Lately on various blogs I've seen a scattering of questionnaires about albums and movies that bloggers respond to themselves, which, the more you read, seem like one more way to display the writers' eclectically hip cultural inventories. I find myself drawn more to the questions rather than the answers, having been a teacher and loving the thought-provoking leading question that might inspire some good writing. My favorite music magazine, Mojo, has a couple of standard questionnaires in each issue that are pretty good, and Vanity Fair magazine has long run its "Proust Questionnaire" of famous people on its last page. The Lord Prince of these types of questionnaires, though, of course, is the estimable James Lipton (that's him above, if you're woefully ignorant), host of Inside The Actors Studio. Has there ever been a more pompous glance than when James turns from his note cards and interviewee and stares at his audience? Lipton's famous questionnaire is one adapted by him from Bernard Pivot's adaptation of the famous Proust Questionnaire--which isn't really Proust's; it only became famous, I guess, after Proust answered it (btw, Bernard Pivot is a rather mundane name, seemingly more fit for a Matt Christopher novel, but the way Lipton hams up the pronunciation you'd think it was the greatest French food invention since what they did to toast and the potato).

Anyway, I decided to concoct my own questionnaire, adapted from all of the above and then some, in the hope that one day, maybe long after I'm gone, some erudite media heavy might adapt it to his or her needs, and thus the Spitoutyourgum Questionnaire will live on in infamy, or better, in famy. Alas, I had hoped to debut the questionnaire by interviewing Jamie Farr, but he balked at some of the questions, so I just answered them myself. Here goes.

If you could be reincarnated as the non-private body part of any famous person, what would it be?

Humphrey Bogart's upper lip.

Name an album that you once dance naked to in front of a mirror, later disowned completely and sold for peanuts, and then still later found yourself weirdly nostalgic for (the music, not the naked dancing) and went to all sorts of lengths to download it.

Oklahoma, original cast recording.

'I' is the middle word in the word 'idiot'--comment.

'I'? Really? I thought it was 'Dio.'

If Heaven exists, and somehow you end up there, what is the first thing you'd expect to hear upon your arrival?

Well, being more of a visual person rather than an auditory one, and having lived my whole life in Cleveland, I suppose I'd be greeted by a hastily written sign that says, "Be back in 5 eons."

Frick or Frack?

Oh, Frock, most definitely.

Name a movie that made you cry, not for its content but because you spied the object of your desire snuggling with some twit three rows ahead of you.

Well, Tank Girl would probably be the first.

If you had nothing in your possession but these three CDs--.38 Special's Greatest Hits, The Darker Moods of John Tesh, and Dan Hill Remixed--in what ocean would you prefer your desert island to be located?

Can I invoke the fifth? Any fifth?

What is your favorite curse word?

Pittsburgh.

What garment, from the musical, literary, and cinematic worlds, best expresses your personality?

Are sunglasses considered a garment? If so, Jim Keltner's. If not, any random muumuu from Mama Cass's wardrobe. Literary would have to be Benny Profane's sailor suit. I suppose The Dude's bathrobe has already been retired from this question due to overuse, so I'll go with the band-aid on the back of Marsellus Wallace's neck.

I have a suitcase filled with ten million dollars. It is yours under the condition that if you accept it a man in China will fall off his bicycle and be killed. Do you take it?

American dollars?! At this present moment in history? Live your dreams, China man. Now if you're talking gold, maybe even silver, well, then, wear a helmet, buddy. Accidents happen.

If you had the power to switch two literary characters' places, who would they be?

Moby Dick and Asta.

What is your favorite body of water?

Cheryl Tiegs, Sports Ilustrated Swimsuit Editon, circa 1974.

How you feel about your sporadic blog postings of late?

It's summer, no shit happens.

What is your favorite color?

Blue. No, green.