Turn The Page On Page-A-Days

How far behind are you? Have you given up yet? The New Year is almost three weeks old already, so these questions are very pertinent. Resolutions? Hell no, I'm not talking about New Year's resolutions. If your New Year's resolutions aren't long-ago-broken and forgotten by now, you either didn't aim high enough or you're a much-too-together person to ever waste time reading this blog. I'm talking about the biggest Christmas present scam ever, the most useless and unused but always sold in droves item--the ubiquitous page-a-day calendar. Read those questions again now: How far behind are you? It's still January 4th, isn't it? Have you given up yet? It's buried under two weeks of desk crap, isn't it? And those are merely the questions for you Type-A people. For you Type-B people, the only question is, are you ever going to open it and tear off at least one page, just to, you know, validate the gift in some way?

I got to thinking about page-a-day calendars (pad-cals) because some poor fool was still looking for one today. Look folks, if you really need a calendar in today's high-tech world and you haven't gotten around to getting yourself one by January 19th, there's a whole lot of shit you need to get together in your life before you go calendar hunting.

Now I'm as all-around guilty as I'm sure all of you are--I have given and received my fair share of pad-cals in my time. Let me just say, blanketly, to those I've given, I'm sorry. To those who gave me a pad-cal, thank you, the thought really counted, and I appreciate your generosity.

But let's be honest, they're a waste of paper and money. Not time, really, because who ever spends even the ten seconds necessary to rip off the previous day's page and read the present day's tidbit? Coincidentally, I'm thinking that January 19th was the furthest I ever got ripping off each day's page. Anybody out there ever make it to March? Didn't think so. And then there's the sad guilt of ripping off, en masse, like two and half months' worth of pages just to bring yourself literally up to date. You know that clump of pages, don't you? I will say they make good scratch/memo paper, though. Still, I defy anyone alive to swear on the playground's proverbial "stack of Bibles" (does God differentiate lies? "Well, you only swore a lie on one Bible, so, what the heck, in you go. But you, now, you swore that lie on a genuine stack of Bibles, sixteen, if memory serves Me well. It's Downstairs for you, kiddo. Might want to take off that sweater.") that he or she has made it through an entire year assiduously tearing off one page per day every day (and not right away peeking ahead to one's birthday to see what that special tidbit is) for 365/6 consecutive days (just don't do it--the swearing that you did do this--in my presence because, frankly, you're not the type of person I want to know). That said, to prove my point about no one in the history of pad-cals ever actually making it through the year tearing off a page a day, I will offer any maker of pad-cals free publicity (as long as you provide the web-cam equipped with automatic time-date stamp) for an entire year. Send me your calendar and the above-mentioned computer hardware, and next year I will post video of me reading and ripping a page a day (which makes me think--do these pad-cal manufacturers even bother to write copy on days for the second half of the year? they must know no one ever gets half that far).

Now I'm not totally condemning pad-cals here (as I said, they make for handy scratch paper). I remember fondly a Quote-a-Day one I received and a Weird Word-a-Day one. Great stuff, but really, how can anyone expect anyone else to keep up with the daily chore? (There is probably some poor secretary out there who is chastised daily for not keeping the boss's pad-cal up to date.) I just think enough's enough. With the Internet and smart phones and everything, do we really need these pad-cals anymore? Yes they're quaint, but, I believe, quaint is just another word for what the hell is this thing still around for?

Alas, I'm afraid they're here to stay. Such an easy gift, such an easy thing to wrap. But come on, no more. Why the fruitcake still gets kicked around as the go-to default Christmas joke, the present no one wants and everyone gets (and really, when was the last time you saw, let alone received, a fruitcake?) is beyond me when pad-cals seem to be everywhere. You heard it here first, folks: Page-a-Day Calendars are the new Fruitcakes (I can only hope you readers have short memories, because I think I just doomed myself to receiving nothing but pad-cals for Christmas next year).

But, but, there is one pad-cal that makes sense, and is probably the only pad-cal that hasn't yet been produced--The Anal Retentive Page-a-Day Calendar. Now that one makes sense and might actually be an appropriate gift for the AR person on your gift list. Can't you just see it? Each page would have a message like this: "Is this the correct date? Did you tear off yesterday's page yet?" On Fridays it could read, "It's Friday. You might want to tear off today as well as Saturday's and Sunday's so that when you return to work on Monday, your calendar will be just right." Just a thought. It's your's for the taking, pad-cal industry. I admire you bastards.