But what really gets me about this whole thing is not so much the story (I admit, I chuckled, kind of, reading the headline, but it's morning and I hadn't yet had a sip of coffee: I was defenselessly easy) but the fact that when I clicked on the headline (yes, I did; for research purposes only--it's been a slow week at spitoutyourgum as you can tell, and, as the story itself proves, men can get desperate sometimes) all I got was a very brief synopsis of the story and links to further links about the story. This was all brought to me by Bing. Mr. Gates, there's a lot about Microsoft I don't understand, much to my detriment I'm sure, but I really don't get Bing, and for that I'm pretty sure I'm grateful. As far as I can tell, Bing is like remedial Google. I'm no computer whiz (to sound old and fuddy, if not quite duddy), but it seems to me that Bing is for people who can't figure out Google. I've been suckered into clicking on Bing links before, only to find myself not reading the story I want to read, but finding a bunch of links to pretty much the same story about the story I thought I was clicking on in the first place. I think Kafka would have been a more apt name for the thing rather than Bing. Yes, I want to read the stupid story, so give it to me. Don't add to my humiliation by withholding the story from me and presenting me with a choice of a dozen other links to choose from. This is high-tech progress?
And how does Bing "hyper-enhance" the pleasure of not fully reading the story you want to read? By providing a host of links embedded in their non-story. I kid you not, these are the things you could click on when reading Bing's not-quite-the-story-of-the-blad-guy-who-stole-some-Rogaine-,-but-just-a-tease-to-keep-clicking-on-more-links: In the lead sentence, "New York City police are on the lookout ... " you can click a link to New York City. First of all, if you have to click on a link to New York City to find out more about it, I suggest drinking the Rogaine, not just applying it to your pate. A link to NYPD might be helpful, but a link to NYC itself? Is that for people reading and saying, "Hmmm, where is that?" "Hmmm, I've never heard of that place. Must be out west or down south somewhere"? After the phrase, "stole several boxes of Rogaine hair-growth solution" comes this linked question in parentheses (kudos, Bing, for excessive use of parentheses--you're not all that bad): "how much does Rogaine cost?" Not a link to the manufacturer of Rogaine or one to an objective appraisal of the seems-like-snake-oil-to-me product (I know several people who are not so happy they are bald; if Rogaine really worked, would there be any unhappy bald people out there?), but a link to the cost of Rogaine. Fearing not only a through-the-looking-glass-via-Bing hell but also what the authorities monitoring web traffic would assume about me if I clicked on this link (if you have to ask ... ), I didn't click to find out if it takes you to eBay auctions offering cut-rate deals on Rogaine. Okay, this next one, I'll admit, duped me. After mentioning that the alleged theft took place at a CVS store, the parenthesesed link is "track CVS stock." Obviously, though one can never really tell with Bing, from my experience, this would appear to be a link to an updated quote on the price of a share of CVS stock. Well, not so obvious to me. When I first read it I thought it was a link showing what was selling and not selling at CVS at the moment. "Hmmm, I wonder if that big display of Buy One Get One Free cans of Pringles down at my local (relative to CVS, mind you; since there's one on every other corner these days, local should read 'immediate') CVS has sold out yet? Well, I'll be damned, I can click on this handy Bing link and track 'sales of Pringle 2-4-1 promotion.'" When you develop that capability, Mr. Gates, ring me up. Finally, the killer. After wrapping up its very brief summary of the story you thought you were getting when you first clicked on the link, Bing offers this parenthetical link-query: "has this happened before?" You're kidding me, right? You're asking me if I'm wondering if Rogaine has ever been stolen by a bald guy before this particular incident? You mean there's a data base of Rogaine thefts, organized by the amount of hair on the head of the alleged perpetrator(s)? Can't you just hear Kojak (naturally) bellowing, "Crocker! I want a file of every cue ball Rogaine rip off on my desk, yesterday!"? Please tell me this "has this happened before" is Bing's signature sign-off to every one of its anorexic "stories," a ploy to get you to click on a link to some ED ad and not something that is specific to this non-story. I'll be able to rest better and come up with something real to write about much more easily if that's the case. If not, I guess I'll just keep pulling my hair out over the total uselessness of Bing. In which case, I guess, I'll need some Rogaine. Where can I get some? New York City? I've heard that's a pretty good place. Wonder how much the stuff costs, though? Let me first check how my CVS stock is doing. Not so good, hunh? Well, I wonder how easy it would be to steal some Rogaine? Has anyone ever done it before? Gosh, I wish I could get answers to all these difficult questions in one convenient place.
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