Sort of like a eunuch on Cialis, I love to eat, but I can't cook. And in this day of celebrity chefs and food snobs everywhere, I feel a bit out of place. I mean, I scour the hot dog package looking for directions. But I also love words and feel I can move them around deftly at times. And so, I've discovered that my calling as far as the culinary arts go might just be to serve as a muse. Sometimes it just takes a little "outside the box" thinking to come up with something truly wondrous. Since much of my eating is done from a box, maybe I'm just the right person to provide the creative kind of thinking a worn out chef needs to get his sauces sauteing again. So, I present the following list of 94 would-be dishes. They just need the right gourmet to cook them into reality and astound the palates of the world. In return for any chef bold enough to undertake the challenge of making any of the dishes listed below, all I ask is a modest namecheck and a sample. Happy cooking.
- Hooligan Stew
- Half-Hearted Liver
- Bangers and Hangers
- Moustache Soup
- Bearded Blueberries
- Bananas Foster Brooks
- Desk Sergeant Meat Pie
- Cholesterol Flambe
- Eton Collard Greens
- I Can't Believe It's Parsnips
- Defenestrated Butt Steak
- Creature From The Black Legume
- Crosseyed Meatballs
- Vegans Need Not Apply Medley
- Venison Sinatra
- Baba O'Riley Gannouj
- Bathtub Oysters
- Nudist Camp Melons
- Minimalist au Pear
- Sushi Rotolo
- Crack House Lobster
- Sherpa's Pie
- Counter-Intuitive Wieners
- Corpulent String Beans
- Casserole Bea Arthur
- Obama Omelet
- Something Fishy On-a-Stick
- Spaghetti in a Tube
- Tastes Like Chicken Terrorist Alert Al Fredo
- Surprise Buns
- Lenten Sacrifice
- Grilled Gluten
- Hummus a Tuna
- Bleached Whale
- Apples and Oranges Detente
- Dental Floss Kabobs
- Amateur Goulash
- Hash This
- Spambalya
- Boutrous Couscous Folly
- Semitic Froglegs
- Serious Jello Mold
- Tofu Mojo
- Beet Itz (snack food)
- Garfunkel Parsley
- Duck Sherbet
- Wanna Peas Of This
- Questionably Organic
- Risky Bisque
- Guinness Bacon
- Histrionic Salad
- PoMo Emo Emu
- Koala Kooler
- Armadillo Wrap
- Reasonable Facsimile Smorgasbord
- Sardine Cream Pie
- Scrambled Monkey Brains
- Linguine Etcetera
- Peaches Donnybrook
- Welch Rabbit
- Tongue of Discord
- Lox of Luck
- Ho Chi Minh City Corn Dogs
- Pineapple Mushroom Miscegenation
- Grapes of Basil Rathbone
- Squish Squash
- Betcha Can't Eat Just One Squirrel Fritter
- Haberdasher's Hamhocks
- A Little Gristle Never Hurt Anybody Brownies
- Fart-Free Chili
- Gee Your Rutabagas Smell Delicious
- Edible Schmedible Spreadable
- Tartar Cakes
- Topsy Turvy Caffeinated Tryptophan Sauce
- Herder's Choice
- Hansel and Gretel Cupcakes
- RuPaul's TV Dinner Surprise
- Blindfolded Spice Rack of Lamb
- Dylan's Voice Veal
- They Said It Couldn't Be Done Crab Brulee
- Decent Brussels Sprouts
- Quesadui
- Antler Pie
- Trans-Continental Breakfast
- Anti-Hero Sub Sandwich
- Gates Po Boy
- Mega Mustard Melee
- Rubberneckers' Chicken
- Enchiladida
- Patty Svelte
- Crime Scene Succotash
- Rabbi's Cutlet
- Deep Fried Flotsam
- Spitoutyourgumbo
