Siri With Some Fringe On The Top

It's a cruel irony that as one's hipness (I'm too square to even attempt to use the word hipster) quotient diminishes, the pain in his or her hips increases. A prime example of how far away from the zeitgeist I seem to be: For several days recently I kept running across references to Siri. Thinking that Siri was some new reality TV star or that afternoon's hot new chanteuse, naturally I paid her little mind. Only by accident (well, maybe not that accidental--I figured if Siri was getting all this media attention, there had to be shots of her in a bikini somewhere) did I discover that Siri is the voice-recognition/activation software app on the new iPhone. Silly me. I've since seen this headline: Is Siri Racist? We've lost our minds.

Now as someone who still misses the thrill of dialing 0 on an old rotary dial phone, I am obviously not the person to comment on Siri's efficacy, pros/cons, or feelings about racial "others." But it seems to me that unless you are paralyzed or have had your arms amputated (and don't have the foot dexterity of Daniel Day-Lewis), a voice-activated phone is as superfluous as a poetry reading at the Republican National Headquarters. Punch in the damn numbers or person's name yourself. But I know, geeks, phones are much more than just phones these days. They're personal assistants (don't get me started). But I, still clinging to my Model-T cell phone, thought 99% of the cachet of owning one of those so-called smart phones was impressing people with how deftly you worked that swooping finger thing to access all your cool stuff. I guess I'm just a Charles Ingalls trying to merge his horse-drawn Conestoga onto this Information Super Highway I've heard so much about.

But look, this colorblind technoramus won't be colored impressed until Siri starts working some real magic, not the broken-down circus feats of dialing someone's number or reminding me of someone else's birthday that are presently wowing all the faddists. Do me a favor, Siri, don't call me or activate me until you can do most of the following: When I say, "scratch that itch," get the job done, especially in those hard to reach places. When I say, "beer me," fetch me a perfectly tapped pint of Guinness. When I say, "warm the seat," warm that toilet seat by means other than somebody else's arse. When I say, "bacon," produce. When I say, "play me the world's greatest song," my iPod (the one I don't own yet) better start playing one of about the five hundred songs that qualify. That's the kind of voice-recognition/activation software acumen I'm interested in.

While I'm thinking about all of this (which is a sad thought in and of itself), the Siri capability that I most treasure is a voice-activated voice. When I'm caught in some totally mundane, sanity-oppressing "conversation" with some total bore, I want to be able to whisper to Siri, "do it," and immediately have the application co-opt my voice and utter the dozens of "uh huhs" and "definitelys" and "ooohhh, interestings" that are necessary to continue the conversation unrudely while my brain and soul and total consciousness are free to roam the astral planes. Then, Apple, and only then, will I believe you all really do think differently and really are doing something significant for mankind. Until then, I'm on mute.