Sponsors Welcome

Somebody should go back and check the Master Clock. It seems like we sprung forward much more than a mere hour back then last week. Here in Cleveland on the first day of spring, it's more like mid-summer. Against the better wishes of the general public, who usually have about two more months to prepare for such a jarring moment, I wore shorts today. Not just around the house, but out in public, all day long. The glare might have been too much for some people, but what's a guy to do when the temps reach into the 80s? At this rate, the Indians will be mathematically eliminated from the pennant race before Opening Day occurs.

Shorts, though, are an easy thing to don. My golf swing is another matter. Usually at this time of year I'm taking slow warm-up swings with the snow shovel and pondering whether or not it's worth it to finally remove my clubs from the trunk of my car for the winter, or just wait it out another six to eight weeks or so. But my God, the Masters--which usually is the first big indication to me that golf on a sunny warm day is not only possible again, but somewhat imminent--hasn't even been televised yet. I could be playing as early as tomorrow, but I'm woefully behind in getting my sponsorships in order. I'm still waiting--while cursing the Postal Service-- for Buick to respond to my generous letter of two years ago, offering my services as their main golfing billboard in the wake of their parting of the ways with Tiger Woods. But, for all of you marketing people, I do have a slew of sponsorship opportunity openings and would like to fill them up ASAP. I need to lacquer on the sun-block like every other hole, so there's a grand option for maximum exposure. Hand in hand, I need hats. Plenty. Now I realize my endeavors on the links don't often end up on network TV, but a ball company would get a great value-added package by supplying me with a year or two's worth of balls: I lose quite a few, so when other golfers (or scuba divers) have to make a quick stop in the woods and they discover the resting place of one of my errant shots, "your logo here" would greet them. After nearly forty years of golfing, I must admit my vast repertoire of clenched-jaw cursings is getting a bit stale. Thus, if you own proprietary rights to any really juicy bon mots, I'll gladly substitute them for my worn-out ones for a modest fee. I'm also man enough to admit that too often one or two horribly-timed sevens creep onto my scorecard and ruin an otherwise respectable round. So, 7/UP, the opportunity of a lifetime awaits you: "What did you make on that hole, Dan, bogey?" "No, Phil, that par four 13th was brought to you by 7/UP. Why make a birdie and go one under when you can hack away and go Seven UP!"

Really, corporate folks, I've got a lot of great ideas like that one, but I don't have the time to go into them right now as I've got to make my July 4th plans before it's too late. Suffice it to say, if you subsidize some of my golfing expenses, my golfing prowess in 2012 will reward you tenfold. The contact info is on the column to your right. Let's do business, on the course, preferably.