To Be Thankful Or Not To Be Thankful: Separating The Riff From The Raff

On this wonderfully concocted day of thanks, there is a litany of things for which to give thanks, beginning with the undeniably sacrosanct: the Lord, family, friends, daily bread, mashed potatoes, football. But as you work your way down your thankful for list, you might find yourself running out of time, this day being no longer than yesterday or tomorrow (unless you're working retail tomorrow, when if so, the day is interminable). And so, as always, I am here to provide a gratis service to my devoted readers by pointing out some things that deserve our thanks and things that really don't warrant any kind of gratitude.

My handy cyber crutch, dictionary.com, informs me that the term riff raff, originating some six hundred years ago in some place known as Middle England, means people, or a group of people, regarded as disreputable or worthless; the lowest classes; rabble; trash, rubbish. Now as we all know, that which might be considered disreputable or worthless can often be quite appealing, charming even. After all, I think it was the estimable Orson Bean who said, one man's trash is another's treasure. And so, to save you some time on this holiest of unholy days, I present to you a quick guide to separating the riff (good trash, as represented by the Human Riff, Keith Richards) from the raff (bad trash, as represented by Raffi, just because), that trash which we should be thankful for, from that which we needn't bother.

Chris Berman: undeniably trashy, the worst kind of yukster, tolerable only in five-second sound bites, but harmlessly entertaining and benign--Riff

Bob Costas: insufferable, waxy, pontifical, extreme blowhard (which makes Berman a blowsoft, I guess), monumentally unfunny (it's been, what, more than thirty years and I'm still waiting for Costas to say something genuinely funny, although he tries to like every fifteen seconds)--Raff

Realizing your riff/raff distinctions speak for themselves--Riff

Explaining your riff/raff distinctions--Raff

Reruns of the The Gong Show--Riff

Any reality show/game show of the last thirty years--Raff

Cotton Candy--Riff

Sno-Cones--Raff

Paula Broadwell--Riff

Jill Kelley--Raff

Gas station donuts--Riff

Gas station hot dogs--Raff

Queen--Riff

Guns'n'Roses--Raff

Trailer Parks--Riff

RVs--Raff

Dumpster diving--Riff

Metal detecting--Raff

Vendredi Noir--Riff

Black Friday--Raff

Two cars (one on blocks) in the short driveway and another two parked on the lawn (like my neighbors)--Riff

Backing out the Audi into the street and blocking traffic so that the Escalade can get out of the long driveway and transport folks to Black Friday doorbuster sales--Raff

Junk mail--Riff

Spam--Raff

Spitting onto the sidewalk--Riff

Holding one nostril closed while expelling God knows what onto the sidewalk from the other--Raff

Writing a reminder on your hand--Riff

Writing a reminder on any kind of personal device--Raff

Running through a sputtering sprinkler--Riff

Soaking in an above-ground backyard pool--Raff

Napping on the couch post-prandially, Thanksgiving--Riff

Talking about tryptophan pre-prandially, Thanksgiving--Raff

Inspired by this wise post to comment on anything stupid, "That's so raff"--Riff

Inspired by this wise post to comment on anything cool, "Riff, man"--Raff