Choke

Let me make this perfectly clear at the outset: I in no way mean to make light of the physical (act? happenstance? occurrence?) experience of choking. We've all experienced it ourselves and been among those who have, and it's pretty scary.

That said, I hope the Pittsburgh Steelers choke this afternoon. They're hosting my battered but still half-beloved Cleveland Browns today, and on paper it should be no contest. The Steelers, while they've stumbled a bit already this year, are the Super Bowl Champions (some phrases are just so difficult to type) and they rarely lose to the Browns, anywhere, anytime of year, any type of weather, but especially in Pittsburgh. And the Browns, well, they're lousy. In metaphorical terms, it is quite impossible for them to choke these days, because they've been fasting (though to watch their defense, the term might be slowing) for years and years. But what are Sunday mornings for other than hope? A Steelers choke (really, the only hope, because there is no reasonable way for the Browns to actually beat them) would be a great gift indeed.

I say this all as prelude to my real subject, my years-long problem with "the universal sign for choking." Is it really necessary? I mean we all need to know the signs of depression, diabetes, imminent stroke, the H1 N1 virus because those signs can go undetected, right? But has anyone ever not known they were choking? Has anyone ever tried to mask or hide the signs of choking, out of shame, guilt, embarrassment, what have you? I mean has any variation on this sentence ever been uttered in any language in the whole of human history: "By God, I think Phil is choking over there, but repressively cagey bastard that he is, he won't let on"? Nada. Choking is choking, it is what it is (more on that pathetic, erroneous phrase at a later date).

I admit it's a fine line. I DO believe we need words for a group of peacocks or proctologists, but we do not need signs for certain obvious physical conundra. Is there a universal sign for having just stubbed one's toe? No. You just shout some cuss words and hop around for a minute or two. Nobody can mistake those actions for something like, "Gee, I think Phil's trying to tell us he's choking, or maybe that his 401K just tanked." A universal sign for whacking your crazy bone? No. A universal sign that you're going to vomit? No. A universal sign that you're craving bacon, covered in chocolate!? No. We're humans, we get it.

So why a universal sign for choking? Are there medical procedure fascists out there who will refuse to respond unless they see the correct universal sign? "I'm sorry, but unless you give me the correct sign, which we all should have learned by now, for ethical, legal, and very personal reasons, I ain't doing a thing to help you in your obvious distress. Rules are rules, universal signs are universal signs." The whole "universal" thing really gets me. So if I'm on Mars and start choking on dried Tang the Martians are going to recognize the problem stat when I criss-cross my arms and grip my throat with both hands? Do we really know if on Mars this is not the "universal" sign for "I've got a nice bottle of Merlot, why don't you put on that turtleneck I love so much and meet me at the Motel 6 on the other side of that rock formation, say eightish"? Even here on Earth, I have my doubts about the whole "universal" thing. Was there ever a vote? Are the Zulus, the Trinidadians, and the Scranton-Wilkes Barreans on board? Who came up with the sign and were there other signs (I want to see those) that lost out ? Was there some huge UN or Vatican II-like convocation and committee-forming that took place when we all weren't looking? I'm pretty sure that the universal sign was adopted during the Cold War years; certainly there must have been some wrangled, high-stakes diplomacy that went on to bring about a universal sign for anything. Was the sign that we now blindly accept as the universal one really a Western idea, one that cost us untold missiles and political prisoners and the rescinding of all sorts of punitive sanctions just to get an okay from the Russians and Chinese? Or did those commies "choke" at the negotiating table and allow the sign to become universal for nothing more than some vodka from the well and a dozen ping pong balls bought at Target? Where is the documentation? I demand full-disclosure.

Regardless of whether or not the universal sign for choking is really necessary and regardless of the means by which it was adopted, the sign, as is, is horribly discriminatory. What about people who have lost, or lost the use of, one or both of their arms? Sorry folks, unless you can make the sign, I guess you're not choking.

Doomsayers like to say things like, "You didn't think they could make money off of selling bottled water, right? You wait, before you know it they'll be selling us the air to breathe." Well, how about all the money being made from the mandatory signs in restaurants and the like, informing people what the universal sign for choking is? Somebody's making a mint out of all this absurdity. Where's the hue and cry from Glenn Beck on that one?

Anyway, I'm starting to hyperventilate, and must desist so I can go to Wikipedia and find out what the universal sign for that is. Speaking of which, check out the Wiki entry on Dr. Heimlich (you don't think I don't do my research first, before ascending my soapbox?). Some incredible info, including a son who's a former Cincinnati politician turned Consevative Christian radio talk-show host, another son who has a website documenting his father's alleged "wide-ranging, unseen 50-year history of fraud," info about the doctor's past, including his stint as a drum major for the Cornell Big Red Marching Band and his marriage to the daughter of dancing guru Arthur Murray, plus the dope on Heimlich's controversial theory that AIDS can be treated with Malaria. Also, the powers that be, in their literature about choking, no longer refer to "the Heimlich maneuver," using instead the too-clinical for my tastes term "abdominal thrusts," let alone listing other supposedly effective ways to eject the presence of a "FBAO (foreign body airway obstruction)." If only I could make this stuff up.

Go Browns (if the Steelers do start choking, and they make the universal sign to communicate the fact that they are choking, never fear--in trying to execute the Heimlich maneuver, undoubtedly the Browns will be flagged for illegal procedure and forced to punt, by which time the Steelers should be out cold)!

Joe Simon-The Chokin' Kind