If I were a real blogger, I guess I'd be all hepped up about the announcement that the FCC has made a new law stating that bloggers who receive gifts/merchandise to promote or review must report all gifts/merchandise. I could go through the trouble of linking you to the story, but from what I've read, it's a rather soporific read; I suppose I could also find some rabid debates among bloggers to link to as well, but that sounds about as exciting as watching Barnaby Jones reruns. Having never received any gifts/merchandise to promote/review from all of you dear readers, and having never conceived of the idea that any gifts/merchandise might flow my way as a result of all of my diligent efforts to enlighten/amuse you all, I don't really care about the law; I suppose it's fair.
But what if? What if I were to open up my arms to any and all gifts/merchandise that any of you might feel like sending my way? In the interest of full disclosure and to get a jump on the FCCers, I would, in a word, accept. If I had my druthers (do you know I just looked up the word 'druthers' for the first time in my life, hoping to find some Olde English, or Saxon, or, be still my heart, a Norse origin, and instead this wonderful word [one of those words that really exists in only one context, 'if I/he/she/we/you had my/his/her/our/your druthers,' kind of like aspersions, which are good for nothing but casting] this wonderful word druther(s) is nothing more than an informal contraction of 'I would rather' > I'd rather > druther [the writer Bret Harte, by the way, used drather, which, if to that word you add @stentoriantexans.org, you can find out what the frequency is, Kenneth]), anyway, if I had my druther (I don't mean to be greedy, one druther is enough for me), I suppose I'd like to review any new currency the U.S. Mint might be minting (paper or coin, my druther ain't picky [druther would be a good word for a chemically-dependent sibling, don't you think?]). Somehow, though, that druther seems like a pipe dream (which really, 'pipe dream' warrants some looking up too, because even if you had dreams about pipes, would you classify them as something greatly desired yet probably unattainable; oh, wait a minute, I bet pipe dream comes from opium smoking, thus kind of a fantasy, drug-induced, unrealistic dream; by the way, do you know that some people think the term 'hip' meaning 'with it,' originated with opium smokers who supposedly recline on a hip while partaking?).
Anyway, I guess I have to eliminate my main druther, reviewing newly minted money (love the sequence of numbers on that bill; not too crazy about the ridges on this new quarter, though--it can be done) and open myself selfishly to a host of other druthers. Right now I need socks and bath towels, and though I've never considered myself a linen connoisseur, hell, it's only the Internet, I could pass. I have a valid driver's license, so I guess a car would be nice. I kind of always loved Skittles, too. I suppose after the gift of a few dates with Jennifer Aniston I might be able to hazard a guess as to why America's Girl Next Door just can't seem to find Mr. Right. I'm always losing golf balls. I like parenthetical asides, I could always use/enjoy some of those. Pizza sans mushrooms. Grooming tips from Bob Dylan. A nice hutch to help me keep my druthers organized. Used-up gift cards I could take to stores and complain loudly to the manager that no I didn't use this card before and demand some recompense. The case of homemade cassette tape mixes Delta airlines lost for me circa 1988. A genuine Nixon's the One campaign button. Joel Osteen's hair...you get the point. Gift wrap and gift receipts are wholly optional.
Etta James-I'd Rather Go Blind
Nina Simone-Give Me a Pigfoot & a Bottle of Beer
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