Blogger Seeks Inspiration

In my untiring efforts to constantly expand the breadth of spitoutyourgum's mission, I have been testing out yet another new idea, the first fruits of which are below. Not to increase revenue but to better serve my growing community of readers (hey, Montana's gotten on board!), I am considering running classified/personal ads semi-regularly. I chose the all-American communities of Hamburg, New York, and Racine, Wisconsin, to be my test markets. The response has been just short of truly tepid. I have chosen some of my favorites to run below. If the feedback is positive, I promise to open up space to all comers and feature these helpful and curious glances into the soul of our fellow humans more frequently.

• Saint Jude: I lost my Saint Anthony prayer card and now I can't pray to him to help me find it. Please help.
• YOU--the busty blonde at the counter of D'oh's Bakery. ME--the part-time poet/unemployed mime nursing his one cup of coffee all day long at the table in the back, waiting for the old guy to finish reading the paper so I can scarf it before the zitty busboy here trashes it. I'm not interested in hooking up with you or anything, I just wanted you to know I saw you take like three extra coffee stirrers from the styrofoam cup over there by the napkins and lids. That's not cool.
• Situation Wanted: Experienced former dictator looking for part-time work in a small, rather docile country. Must have a couple billion dollars, at least, in relatively easy to embezzle assets. Tropical clime a plus, but not necessary. References all over the Internet at the moment. Send all inquiries to HotHosni@deposed.com
• LOST: My artistic integrity, somewhere over the last twenty years. If found, send it and a decent script to DeNiro, General Delivery, Tribecka, New York.
• WE DO IT ALL: Bankruptcy, Erectile Dysfunction, Police Auctions, Work-from-home Kits, Internet Ads, Hair Restoration, Hair Removal, Mattresses, Buy Gold, Sell Gold, Nude Modeling--check us out in your in-box or a pop-up near you.
• Found: A Jandek song you can dance to. And I'm not telling anyone. HA.
• Wanted: A Want ad that wants me. Anon.
• Thank You Saint Jude: B. Scott, Cleveland.
• For Sale: One nifty pair of electric bowling shoes, worn only once, for about three minutes at last Sunday's Grammy's. Name price. Bob Dylan, Malibu, CA.
• ISO: Puberty. The Biebs.