A-Z, In No Particular Order.

Y O Y? I tried to make A concerted effort to mind my P's N Q's, but in doing so I seemed to have forgotten to cross my T's N dot my I's. What the L? G, M I going crazy, I wondered as I absentmindedly forgot my ID N had to make A U turn, N almost killed A J walker who screamed, "AAAAA, I'm F-in walking here, can't U C?" I was so flustered by almost X-ing the guy out, I forgot about my ID N figuring I might B late, I made another U turn, which I guess qualifies as A W turn, and hoped the CHPD didn't C me and arrest me for suspicion of DUI. "R U OK," the J walker asked as I whizzed by him again. "E's nuts," I heard another guy yell, who was waiting for the RTA. "E couldn't spell sober if you spotted him the S!" So, F my P's N Q's, I need some Z's ASAP.

Alphabetical Exclusions

With the NFL playoffs in full swing, college and pro basketball heating up, baseball spring training mere weeks away (standing ovation!), and even the Olympics garnering some spotlights, you will soon, no doubt, be hearing someone say, "There is no 'i' in team." As if multi-millionaire athletes and their media toadies have a stranglehold on all the alphabetical arcana. I think not. What follows is a whole alphabet of some perhaps surprising words missing some perhaps surprising letters. This is best when read aloud, preferably to multitudes ("I" is the middle word in pride, baby).

There Is No “t” In China

There is no...

          a in flunk

          b in death

          c in blindness

          d in matriculation

          e in Tahiti

          f in intercourse

          g in whiz

          h in my urine

          i in superego

          j in NA

          k in whiff

          l in heaven

          m in supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

          n in sight

          o in celibacy

          p in catheter

          q in out of line

          r in mine

          s in m permitted here

          t in China

          u in me

          v in defeat

          w in vacuum

          x in algebra

          y in because

          z in insomnia
 
The Gaylads-A.B.C. Rocksteady
 

 
 
 

Alpha As In Beta

When he was in his 90s, I heard my grandfather, whose name was Vince, say to someone on the phone, "That's Vince. V as in Vince, i n c e." Still cracks me up. So, taking a cue from the great man, I thought I'd create an alphabet decoding device, so to speak, one that accommodates for the fact that many of our service-related calls these days are answered by people all over the globe, many of whom may not speak English as their first language. Dispensing with strict phonetics, my alphabet decoder relies more on universal principles and archetypes so as to more efficaciously effect clear (i.e., spit out your gum) communication. I suggest printing this list and keeping it handy by your phone. I have done so and used it for some time on various tech-support calls, and it has never caused any misunderstandings or untoward international incidents. And if you're a more visual than auditory learner, check out the early film by David Lynch below, for an equally straight-forward way to get your ABC's across.

A as in aye, that's my pen bastard, give it back
B as in to or not to
C as in concupiscent
D as in dromedary
E as in `e don't live here anymore, the bastard
F as in effin
G as in yeero
H as in bomb
I as in team
J as in jai alai
K as in I'm just going to the store, k?
L as in what the
M as in mnemonic
N as in knapsack
O as in Oorang
P as in psychotherapy
Q as in Bar-B-
R as in art
S as in psoriasis
T as in tsunami
U as in not me
V as in Vince
W as in Texas
X as in alimony
Y as in because
Z as in good night

Maceo Parker-A.B.C.

Bill Haley & His Comets-A.B.C. Boogie