Alpha As In Beta

When he was in his 90s, I heard my grandfather, whose name was Vince, say to someone on the phone, "That's Vince. V as in Vince, i n c e." Still cracks me up. So, taking a cue from the great man, I thought I'd create an alphabet decoding device, so to speak, one that accommodates for the fact that many of our service-related calls these days are answered by people all over the globe, many of whom may not speak English as their first language. Dispensing with strict phonetics, my alphabet decoder relies more on universal principles and archetypes so as to more efficaciously effect clear (i.e., spit out your gum) communication. I suggest printing this list and keeping it handy by your phone. I have done so and used it for some time on various tech-support calls, and it has never caused any misunderstandings or untoward international incidents. And if you're a more visual than auditory learner, check out the early film by David Lynch below, for an equally straight-forward way to get your ABC's across.

A as in aye, that's my pen bastard, give it back
B as in to or not to
C as in concupiscent
D as in dromedary
E as in `e don't live here anymore, the bastard
F as in effin
G as in yeero
H as in bomb
I as in team
J as in jai alai
K as in I'm just going to the store, k?
L as in what the
M as in mnemonic
N as in knapsack
O as in Oorang
P as in psychotherapy
Q as in Bar-B-
R as in art
S as in psoriasis
T as in tsunami
U as in not me
V as in Vince
W as in Texas
X as in alimony
Y as in because
Z as in good night

Maceo Parker-A.B.C.

Bill Haley & His Comets-A.B.C. Boogie