My Car, My Soul

Having just gotten off work (a sweat-heavy day, at that) this afternoon, I was doing my usual: sitting on a bench, trying to mind my own business for the first time all day, recollecting my purpose in life, centering, attempting to gather in my chakras, and working up the energy to walk the fifty feet to my car so I could battle my way through my five minute commute and make it to my bed for my afternoon nap, when what do I see but a car whiz past me with a big "Vegan" sticker on the back windshield and a vanity license plate blatantly advertising that the owner/driver of said car is a nerd (to protect the innocent, I won't reveal the actual plate, but it left nothing to the imagination--owner/driver=nerd; I assume he/she made it home in time to feed the cats).

As you can surmise, questions arose, scattering my chakras and totally skewing (and screwing) any centering that was commencing. First of all, is there such a thing as an anti-vanity license plate? Makes me want to gas up grandpa's Olds and drive south in search of "OBESE" and "HOMELY" and "ILLITR8" and "IMSORRY" and "STOLEIT" and "RUBE" and whatever other self-castigating 8-character letter/number combinations people can nightmare up.

Second of all, while I would never equate vegans and nerds (I know a few vegans, and some of them are actually mildly cool; likewise, of the many nerds I come in contact with, I know several who put ketchup on their steaks), it makes me wonder if indeed there might be some statistical correlation between the two. Are vegans more apt to be nerdy than their red-meat salivating counterparts? Any 4.0 stats majors out there with a penchant for tofu who'd like to take a stab, uh, swipe(?), at that one?

The whole thing reminded me of a short story idea I've had for years about a woman who gets picked up for a blind date by a guy who has one of those "Starfleet Academy" stickers on his back windshield. Needless to say, the date goes rapidly downhill from there.

And needless to say, my nap was shot, what with my mind reeling with sociological bumper sticker/license plate musings. But really, it's all so boring, isn't it? Self-expression. One blogs, the other forks over a hundred bucks for a specialty license plate, ho hum.

But then I thought, wait a minute, cars are so under-used, not so much as self-expression, uh, vehicles, but as diversionary amusement objects. Why not have hubcaps that are mini-roulette wheels, so that in heavy traffic your road neighbors can have a little fun wagering while they stop and start? Why not give others with a taller perspective (helicopter pilots, kids who hang out on bridge overpasses spitting or trying to get truckers to honk, stray giraffe, the inevitable flying car jockeys) a chuckle or an ad pitch with large-scale, car roof stickers? "If you can read this, I'll duck." Think of the extra revenue crooks could make by selling their rooftops as ad space, just in case they wind up all over CNN in a high-speed, helicopter-pursued, car chase. Imagine the fun if O.J.'s white Bronco had a big sticker on the top that read, "I'm Hooked On Herb's Bait'n'Tackle Shop."

The mind is fertile, folks, fertile and rife. You all keep surfing your web; I'm calling Ronco and a patent attorney. Gonna give that vegan nerd 10%, too.

Tex Rubinowitz-Hot Rod Man

Kenny-The Bump