Showing posts with label Cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cats. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Paw's On The Other Foot


So yesterday I was fascinated by sounds that are going extinct. Today I heard a sound I can't recall ever hearing before: a cat sneezing. Now I've long been fascinated by human sneezes, but, truth be told, a cat's sneeze doesn't come close to measuring up. It sounds like a distant whisk broom delicately whisking away hairs from a man's collar at the barber shop. It doesn't even warrant a "God bless you." Maybe a "third-tier angel bless you" or a "priest in Peoria bless you." But anyway, as I think I've mentioned before, due to circumstances beyond my control, for a few years now I've had to share living space with a cat. And I'm long on record as hating cats (in fact, unless it's served warm and tender, with a side of either ketchup or mayo, I really can't stand any animal; nothing personal, mind you, and the fault is all mine: if I'm not allergic to them [cats and dogs, mainly], I'm scared to death of animals; chipmunks give me heart attacks), but, I will admit, the cat in question (his name is Boo, go figure) and I have developed a mutual respect, and dare I say it, almost a (non-tactile) relationship over the years.

And so I face a kind of moral dilemma at the moment: the cat has a bad cold and is sneezing rather constantly--do I sympathize or gloat? The amount of sniffles, runny noses, bone-rattling sneezes, itchy skin and eyes (to the point of temporary blindness from not being able to open them) that cats have caused me over the years dwarfs this cat's tiny little eh-choos. So I feel justified in following him around the house and laughing at his sneezes and hectoring things along the lines of "Ha ha, feline. How does it feel now?" But I'm also a Gemini with a bit of compassion. The cat is obviously miserable, as anyone suffering from a cold is, and part of me wants to hold a hankie in front of him and let him blow his little nostrils out. I've even contemplated parting with my last (it's been a long winter) zesty orange Airborne tablet and dissolving it in his water dish (though that would help, what really does the job, and is almost even worth suffering the onset of a cold, is a nice shot glass of NyQuil--gulp, monitor your failing consciousness for a half hour, sleep the sleep of the Righteous for 8 hours, and wake up a new and improved human being). What do I do? Sympathize or aggravate? It's just a cat, after all.

Solution: Tonight I revel. Tomorrow I pity. Fat Tuesday/Ash Wednesday. Sin today, repent tomorrow. Hey, Boo, sneeze a million more times and we'll call it even. Ha ha ha.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Hey Kitty, What's Your Name?

I am on record as being a steadfast non-lover of cats. Not a hater, mind you, just a definite, allergic, non-lover. So unless something um, cataclysmic occurs, I will never possess a cat or have to name one. And yet, I like a good challenge. So when I came across this quote from the English writer Samuel Butler--"The severest test of the imagination--is to name a cat"--on the same day--yesterday--when my horoscope said, "Tonight: Let your imagination rock and roll," I just had to take the plunge.

Now I'm not exactly sure why Butler finds naming a cat such a profound test of one's imagination, I mean, "Scat" seems to work fine for me for all cats, but in the interest of playing along, I pushed my imagination a bit and I think I've come up with some pretty imaginative, and, depending on the specific cat's look and personality, pretty apt cat names. So, please, feel free to use any of these suggestions when naming your next cat.

  • Allergen
  • Sneeze
  • Hives
  • Galore
  • Hep
  • T.S. Lloyd Webber
  • Newmar
  • GladIdon'tliveinChina
  • Felix Fermin
  • Harry Brecheen
  • O'Clysmic
  • Go Away
  • Lazy
  • Catullus
  • Chicago Fog
  • Bobo
  • Curiosity's Prey
  • 'skills
  • Tim
  • Canary Eater
  • Mandu
  • apult
  • Kibbles'n'Bits
  • Gene Hackman
All good names, I think you and Samuel Butler will agree. But after much deliberation and rocking and rolling my imagination to three encores, I've decided that if I ever do come into possession of a cat that needs a name, I'm going to name it
  • Dog
Dr. Horse-Jack, That Cat Was Clean

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Why Would Anyone Need More Than One Way To Skin This Thing?



Let me get this out of the way right now: I can't stand cats. Even if I were not allergic to them, to the point of burning sensations in the chest, sneezing fits, and eyes so itchy I can't see, I would still not like them. Haughty, aloof, and about as much fun as a convention of abstemious, serially monogamous, and devoutly heterosexual shoe salesmen, cats seem to me to be the polar opposite of what anyone would want in a pet. A couple weeks ago I was ringing up a lady in the store who was buying a cat calendar. Bored, I said what I usually say to someone buying anything cat related: "I'm sorry, I'm allergic to cats, I can't ring you up." Wait two beats. "No, I'm just kidding." The woman took no pity on my feline-induced respiratorial and visual plights and just sighed, "Oh, a life without cats." Her tone was sad, bordering on the horrified, while I muttered underneath my breath, "If only."

That said, due to circumstances beyond my control, I have lived with a cat named Boo for five years. I like Boo. He does amuse me from time to time, and I have spotted glimpses of a personality from time to time. Which doesn't change my mind at all on cats, but only serves to deepen my understanding of something a southern professor told me twenty years ago about racial relations. He told the story of a white woman who worked in day care and was loved by all the kids and parents, who were predominately black. Eventually she was convicted of plotting to bomb a black church. The professor talked about people loving the individual but hating the race, or vice versa, hating the individual but loving the race; although the concepts sound absurd, they make a lot of sense in understanding some people's views on race. It also sums up my view on cats. I like (I can't go so far as to say love) Boo, but I still hate the race of cats.

Anyway, over the last few days, as happens, the phrase "there is more than one way to skin a cat" has popped up a couple times in my life. The phrase, which obviously means there are many ways to accomplish a given task, intrigues me not because I'm some allergy-afflicted nutcase who wants to skin every cat alive (though don't think I haven't thought about what such a post might do to my hit rate if the PETA people found out about it). Sadly, like most phrases that interest me, there doesn't seem to be a lot known about where or why the phrase originated. But what intrigues me so much about the phrase is that there ever was a time and a place where skinning cats was so prevalent that multiple ways of doing it were invented and became so popular that the act of skinning a cat, in multiple ways, could become a metaphoric phrase that exists to this day. I'm not big on venison, and for all I know there is only one way to skin a deer, but I could "get" the phrase "there is more than one way to skin a deer" a lot more easily than the cat version.

I just read a statistic that says 70% of the world's population is not allowed to freely practice their religion. Horrible stat, and while it seems a little too high to me, I realize that from my provincial, thank God I'm an American perspective, I just might not know how un-free the rest of the world is. But I would wager, even with my limited, very privileged American middle class upbringing, that no more than 1% of the world's population (and certainly that part of the population whose language includes the skin the cat phrase) has ever had the occasion to skin a cat, witness the skinning of a cat, or even benefit from the skinning of a cat-- whichever of the I guess myriad ways there are to skin a cat. So why, why does this phrase still exist? If there truly is more than one way to skin a cat, you'd think there would be more than one folksy phrase to express the fact that there is more than one way to do something. This language never ceases to float my boat, fill my Twinkie, and shake my martini.

Husker Du-How To Skin A Cat