Exercises In Inauthentic Grammar, Number Two: The Reflex Clause

Yes, it's time for another installment of Exercises In Inauthentic Grammar, in which we veer from the educationese term "authentic grammar" and delve into the alternative, yet equally credible (since it too is spoken and written with regularity among some people), world of inauthentic grammar. Today's lesson concerns the reflex clause. I'm sure we're all familiar with the so-called authentic entities known as the reflexive pronoun and the relative clause; well, the reflex clause is a modifying clause (loosely; it's more of an involuntary, culturally ingrained editorial comment) that, like a hammered kneecap or an onioned nose, is difficult to control, as it too, when triggered, quickly asserts its own mind and body with spasmodic emanations. Reflex clauses have long been in existence (read, a bane) but with the advent of computers, word processing software, and continuing generations of so-called smart keyboards, the inauthentic grammar that is the reflex clause is now universal. We've all been there: You start to type something and before you finish the word your screen lights up with what it perceives you intend to write. One quick wham on the return button and the whole thing appears, saving you precious time and energy. The reflex clause is similar--when writing certain words or phrases, an entire clause presents itself to modify the word or phrase you have written. Blame computers who are too familiar with your thought and composition patterns, but even in manual writing (wikipedia that one, kids, if you're clueless) reflex phrases are known to afflict the seasoned scribbler too. Among the governing board of inauthentic grammarians (of which I'm an ex officio emeritus, thank you very much) the standard example of a reflex clause is this dated, but still worth a chuckle or two bon mot: The AMC Pacer, which is built so wide so as to contain the owner's stupidity ... Get the point? If not, here are more examples, both pretty much acknowledged ubiquitous ones and ones more personal to my own partcular writing habits. Study them well so as to beware of them and save yourself time erasing, scratching out, deleting; or, if you're not much a proofreader, to spare yourself future public embarrassment.

• Pittsburgh, ooohhhh, yuck ...
• Metal detector aficionados, really folks, get a life already ...
• Lindsay Lohan, the troubled hoyden ...
• Clevelanders, my sympathies ...
• Sarah Palin, just go away ...
• Mushrooms, look out, I'm gonna heave ...
• Bob Dylan, god ...
• LeBron James, #$@&*! ...
• Bacon, right here, garcon, schnell! ...
• The upcoming Presidential election, Oh god, not again ...
• Exacerbate, stop laughing class; it simply means to aggravate, to increase the severity of ...
• As Al Gore said, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...
• Dancing With The Stars, nope, never seen it ...
• Guinness, you had me at G- ...
• Stuffing, I'm staying! ...
• Regular readers of spitoutyourgum, I love you I love you I love you ...