Just Nonsense, Not Blasphemy: The Sermon On The Mount Crib Notes

From a reputable matchbook cover I recently purchased a guaranteed "treasure trove" of genuinely authenic historical documents for $.99. Among the goodies that have managed to stay out of the greedy hands of the Vatican Library, The United States National Archives, and the Kremlin, are a scribbled note, obviously shoved under a door, from a nine-year-old Harry Houdini ("Help, I'm locked in this closet"), feeble attempts at writing a limerick beginning with the line, "There once was a man from Prague..." in Franz Kafka's handwriting, which, at the bottom of the page, concludes, "Not one good rhyme exists for Prague," and, in the flamboyant handwriting of Fee Waybill, a phone number under the cryptic heading, "Bobby D's (unlstd)."

But certainly the most significant find in the lot is a piece of parchment that proves, contrary to centuries of Biblical scholarship that states that there is no evidence in the Gospels of Jesus ever writing, that indeed Jesus Christ was quite the scribe. For what this document is is none other than Christ's notes to Himself, or crib notes, for his seminal speech, the Sermon on the Mount, aka, the Beatitudes. Luckily, my boyhood fascination with Aramaic came in handy for translating the one-page document, which, despite the years, still bears a rather clear "JC" signature at the bottom. Rather than get the folks from Sotheby's on the blower, I offer my historic discovery to you, free of charge. Without further ado, here's a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the practical, conscientious historical figure of Jesus Christ (yes, Jesus made use of bullet points way back when):

• make sure the guys (Thaddaeus and one of the Jameses, I think) who prepare the tele-tablet inscribe it big enough (Good Dad, after you turn 30, your eyesight really nosedives)
• gently remind Peter that when he tests the acoustics of the Mount, simply to repeat the word "check"; none of his goofy "I am the Rock!" histrionics--this is a serious speech; I don't want the crowd too riled up from the start
• that said, maybe open with a joke? that one Bartholomew told the other day? a Pharisee, a Sadducee, and a fair-to-middling Samaritan walk into a bar mitzvah...
• check with Jonas of Grammaria re the correct pronunciation--is it blessed, one syllable, or BLESS-ed, two?
• stop dithering, just go with gut/in the moment feeling re including that last one: "Blessed are the fair-skinned redheads (redundant?), for they will not burn in Heaven's glorious light"
• keep an eye on Judas that he isn't hawking some easily shrunk t-shirts like, "My wimpy parents are inheriting the earth and all I'm getting is this lousy t-shirt"
• once again, re-assure Thomas this is a good speech and will get decent reviews in the Jerusalem Gazette
• don't forget the extra handkerchief; we'll be on a Mount--nosebleed possible/probable
• cadence, cadence, cadence
• politely invite the late-comers standing in the back chatting to move up to the front, assuring them all that someday they'll make really good Catholics
• remind Dad early enough this time about the weather
• Own It!--naturally, in a non-possessive way