Something's Fishy In The Hate Department

Full disclosure: I don't know an algorithm from a purple hibiscus (or was that a red one?). But when I read this story last night about some Internet algorithm that determined the Cleveland Indians are Major League Baseball's most hated team, I knew something was wrong. Far be it from me to call into question some nerd's algorithm, but the results of his "step-by-step problem-solving procedure" (thanks American Heritage Dictionary) are as nonsensical as the phrase Al Gore Rhythm. On a good day, I'd chalk up the whole thing to a seriously rabid monkey wrench in the works, but on a bad day (this being) I've got to suspect conspiratorial foul-play (more on that later).

Now those of us who are lifetime fans of the Tribe have a lot to mope and mutter about the last couple of futile seasons, but it's nothing a Tribe fan with any sense of history hasn't dealt with before. We're passionate, so we get upset when the team stinks and management seems to be blundering right and left, but we don't hate our team. And that's the point. If we don't really hate our team these days, who else possibly could? Nobody. The Indians haven't done a thing for several seasons now to make people other than Tribe fans hate them. Are you going to tell me fans anywhere hate the Indians these days as much as Red Sox fans hate the Yankees and vice versa? Impossible. There's just no way real baseball fans across the country hate the Indians more than any other team. It's like saying you hate Ringo Starr. What's the point? It makes no sense. I need to see your work, Mr. Algorithm man.

Sure the racist logo rightfully angers people, but that has nothing to do with hating the team now, does it? If so, that algorithm is batting about as well as Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore are these days.

I'm sorry, but today I can't just let this algorithm thing slide away on an excuse of ineptitude. The way I see it, this story/algorithm is akin to the recent Forbes Magazine's rating Cleveland as the most miserable city in America. Ladies and gentlemen, I know you'll think I'm foolish when I say this, but I'll be in good company with all the other proved-right-and-how prophets: There is a vast, right-wing media conspiracy to turn the city of Cleveland into a ghost town (well, ghostier than it is; please stay, LeBron!). In fact, the more I ponder the question, ghost town is just the start. Those right-wingers want to, well maybe not eradicate Cleveland, that would be a bit harsh I assume, but negate the city.

Fact: the only thing that makes the state of Ohio interesting every four years when a national election rolls around is Cleveland and its county, Cuyahoga. Without it, the state is solidly red. With it, things get interesting. Now I don't want to get political in this goofy blog, and I'm not saying I'm a fervent Obama supporter, but let's face it, to many people the thought of Obama winning in 2012 makes Armageddon, universally enforced veganism, and the extinction of television all seem tolerable. Negate Cleveland and Cuyahoga County, and the prospects of Obama winning re-election dim quite a bit.

So, this little anti-Cleveland media assault. It's a miserable city and everybody hates the baseball team--that's just the start. Over the next two-and-a-half years I am certain we'll see more and more of these surveys and algorithms besieging this fair city. Just watch. Soon Fox News will report that Cleveland is America's stupidest city. Drudge will claim that all the census data from Cleveland never showed up to the counting place. Rush Limbaugh will foam at the mouth and declare the city is more irrelevant than dead. Eating Well magazine will state that we are the unhealthiest city. Conde Nast Travel magazine will make the case that there's nothing in Cleveland worth seeing (yes, Joakim Noah is a plant, 2012's Joe the Plumber). The Weekly Standard will write an open letter to America demanding that it forcibly make Cleveland and Cuyahoga County secede from the Union. Sarah Palin will denounce Cincinnati, but everyone will realize she actually means Cleveland.

Clevelanders, we're a target of a vast conspiracy of hate to negate us from the 2012 elections. Let's have fun with it. Let's revel in our misery. Let's stay away from Progressive Field in droves until the 2012 season when Saint Jude finally answers my 40-year novena and the Tribe wins it all, giving real baseball fans something to hate. By my calculations, the World Series victory parade will take place on election day, so we won't care less what happens politically. Win or lose, Obama will always be a White Sox fan; and I'll always hate him for that.