Directions There There

Now listen, these might not work too good if it gets overcast, but you should be ok. Now turn around here and head that way, right, left. That's east, basically. Go up about a mile until you see a guy named Virgil. Hunh? Don't worry, you'll know him. Just past him you come upon a donut shop. Signal like you're going in but keep on going. Just in case. Now after the big transformer towers stop, at Koone Road, I think, you'll see Lefty's Hardware anyway, you need any nails, by the way? Well, about half a radio commercial past Lefty's, you'll want to veer right. Don't. The car will fight you, trust me, but make a left instead. Eventually you'll see a sign that it's Malinger Road you're on. Hunh? Eventually, like five or ten miles. Now that's when you want to start looking for the smelling salts plant. Roll your window up, by the way. On the other side of that is a kind of truck run-off path. Avoid that or don't. Don't really matter. Just make sure you go right at the first casino billboard. The first. If you miss it and go right at the second, well, send me a postcard from hell, is all I'll say. So right at the first casino billboard sign, route 45 or 167 or one of those kinds of numbers. If you're equipped with cruise control, engage it; you got a nice little trek ahead of you. Just don't fall asleep like Honore did. Getting the new arm tomorrow, matter of fact. Be able to gut fish like nobody's business. Now round about the time you start feeling creepy on this road, but goddamnit before you start fearing for your life, make a left. Any street, don't matter. Well, it do if you turn at the street with the charred mattresses on the corner, avoid that one, but all the others are safe, or not unsafe, might say. Don't matter 'cause you're fixing to hit a parallel street, the Onaway Expressway. Can't miss it. And if you do you'll notice by the rumble strips and glass shards. Anyway, you want the lane for the Expressway going south, which is the one marked 17 West. Don't ask, just merge quickly. Now around the third bend to your left, don't bother counting right bends, that's a exercise of concentration no one needs, but just around the third bend to your left you'll see a kind of ad hoc dirt road off ramp. Take it. Now just up the rise you'll come to some woods. If the gate's up, just nudge it going slow, about ten or so, and you'll be fine. Don't bother closing it, neither. Fletcher'll get it, in time. And don't mind the bumpiness, those shocks you got'll take it. Now follow that path, Ernie says it's a road, but I'm kind of partial to naming it a path. Anyway, follow that until you're on your second decade and despairing of ever seeing your loved ones again. Right about then, say two more quick Mary's and I swear on my daddy's head you'll hit macadam again before you reach that second hour of our death, amen. Now then's where it gets tricky. About a quick beer down the road there's what used to be a flashing red light. Used to be, being operative, before them Stoney kids shot it out. Now it ain't red nor flashing, but by then it should still be daylight out and you'll see it, or what remnants there are. Take a hard right there. And never mind the one way signs pointing at you, that's just there to scare away the literates. If you see a cop, hook 'em horns and continue coasting. At the second Stuckey's, and it comes up fast after the first one, believe it or not, make a u-ee and then a quick right down Lesser Main. You'll see some working girls so you know. Continue on Lesser Main till it turns into Hardly Main then soon after that you'll see an access road near some train tracks. Jog right there, but after crossing Dry Creek sprint if you value your windshield. Next thing you know your check engine light will come on, which disregard totally. It's just the big magnet Brick buried there twenty years ago. It'll go off after your next car wash. Two point three miles after the check engine light comes on, you're there. Well, not there there, but the filling station, Brick Muller's, only Brick's dead and his son Jeffy runs it now, which is another tragedy best left untold. Anyway, by then you'll need a full tank to get to the there there. And then, well, hell, get Jeffy to focus if he seems to be wandering a bit, you know, use your fingers to point at your eyes or something, and he'll be able to tell you how to get to the highway straight away. Got it? Now don't text or sound your horn at the bovine, and you can't miss it.

Meat Puppets-We're Here