I Was Counting On Something A Bit More Exciting

I live for the years that end in zero (0). Not only do I get to engage in arguments with cranks about when the new decade starts (I don't give a damn; whatever the person says, I argue the opposite), but I also catch a helluva case of Census Fever. I've always been partial to counting, and from my earliest days I was fascinated with the idea of counting everybody in the USA. I used to picture everybody lined up single file like first graders heading to the bathroom and some stern authority figure with a long finger very studiously ticking off the entire population: seventy-nine million four-hundred-thirty-six thousand seven hundred forty-two, seventy-nine million, four-hun--get back in line mister--dred thirty-six...

And, like most people (I assume) with nothing better to do than blog regularly, I revel in arcane and meaningless statistics. I anxiously look forward to years of census data trickling out from Big Brother's counting houses, telling US who we are. Little surprise then, that I was rabid with excitement about this year's count. I managed to convince my landlord to allow me to tend to the census form for this domicile when it arrived; he shrugged and said sure, and even gave me a $.38 discount on next month's rent for the effort. Well, sad to say, I think he overspent by about $.37--the effort to fill out the census form was minimal, and quite disappointing to boot.

What a let down. How in the hell is anyone going to get a detailed, accurate view of the citizens of this great country from a census form that asks little more than name, age, and race (I don't want to cry reverse discrimination, but how come Filipinos, Japanese, and Chamorros [hunh?]--fine people all, I have no doubt--among other races get their own individual boxes, while I'm forced to check the box that says White? If nothing more, I would think in these times Uncle Sam would want a headcount of all the Irish-Italians like me out there, just so he knows who the really tempermental bastards in this country are and where they live. I was tempted to check the box that says "other race" and in the space provided write, "the one held somewhere in these great United States where guys run two miles down hill and stop for a beer every half mile or so.")?

Also, I don't get the logic of sending out the form in early March, telling me to fill it out "immediately" and then a week later--like today--sending a postcard reminding me to fill that form out already--when the form states that "The Census must count every person living in the United States on April 1, 2010" (italics mine). What, am I, along with 300 million or so fellow Americans, supposed to be clairvoyant? Does this give me the right to go to wakes on April 1, bend over the body in the casket and whisper, "You lied on your Census form"? And what fool came up with April 1 as the be all end all date for this count?  Question 2 asks me if there were any additional people staying at this residence on April 1 (italics theirs). How do I know now if I'm going to get lucky on April Fools Day or if some long lost gypsy relatives are going to show up or Bob Dylan decides to hang out for a few days or if the "your shipment will arrive in four to six weeks" promise I received on the mail order bride application I submitted last week is just an outside guess to cover their asses and my Chamorroan spouse shows up on March 31?

But enough grousing about what is on the census form. What about what isn't? Here are just a few of the questions I suggest would spice up the census form and enable all of us to get a much more detailed, accurate picture of our nation circa 2010:

• How many paranormal entities currently reside in your abode?
• If you could choose any three, assumed living, as of 4/1/10, Americans to reside with you, who would they be?
• On April 1, 2010, how many distinct voices did you hear inside your head?
• How many separate food, beverage, and medicinal products that are past their expiration dates still take up shelf space in your domicile?
• You don't still listen to cassettes, do you?
• Assuming you do use a Q-Tip daily, on April 1, 2010, which of your ears was waxier?
• Essay question: Tell us something embarrassing about your next door neighbors.
• If you're not a Jehovah's Witness, how do deal with them when they come a-knocking?
• Draw a map of the world. Put an X where Chamorro is.
• If you live in the Cleveland Metropolitan area, tell us how miserable you are.
• Since O.J. has been incarcerated, have you done anything to find the real killers?
• Paper, plastic, or inside your coat?
• If Twitter had a different name, would you be more open to using it?
• How many dust bunnies were present in your house on March 31, 2010?
• Are you going to eat that whatever it is in the styrofoam container in your fridge?
• Can you count past 300 million? If so, call us at 1-866-872-6868.