Sought Poem: Self Help

They call them "found poems": grocery lists, graffiti, refrigerator door notes, etc. that poets find and find, well, poetical and then publish as is, deeming the mundane poetic. Of course, if you cheat and actively go looking for a found poem, then the result isn't quite a found poem, but something I guess I'll call a "sought poem." Seek and ye shall find. A couple years ago, after spending enough time shelving books, I was struck by the creative energy that goes into titling self-help books. I guess that's the most important aspect of writing/marketing a self-help book, the title, because basically you're just trying to sell the same thing over and over again, aren't you? I mean isn't the gist of all self-help books simply, get your shit together?

So, in need of a poem for a reading I was scheduled to give, I sought, actively. I spent a half hour combing through the self-help section writing down good titles. Then I spent a couple hours, more time than I had imagined I would (as far as I know they don't make a self-help book about streamlining the sought poem process), typing up the titles and arranging them into a somewhat coherent narrative. The spectacular result is below, a poem made up of nothing more than the titles of self-help books. I added some appropriate punctuation and might have taken a liberty or two with tenses, and maybe elided a title or two, but for the most part, the poem is nothing but book titles. I hope I amuse you, and maybe even nudge you a little further along the way to getting your shit together.


Why Your Life Sucks (And What To Do About It)



How Now,
Quirky Alone.
Welcome To Your Cross:
Full Catastrophe Living.
Cinderella Was a Liar.

Still Sexy After All These Years,
If The Buddha Dated
Jared the Subway Guy,
Pissed Off?
Angry All the Time?
Get Out of Your Own Way.
Improve Your Mood With Food.
Always Talk to Strangers
The World is a Waiting Lover.
Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer.
Life is Short, Wear Your Party Pants.
When Good Men Behave Badly,
Squeeze the Day.

Dealing With Relatives?
Make Peace with Anyone.
I Married My Mother-in-Law,
Honeymoon With My Brother.
We Love Each Other, But …
Wild Women Talk About Love,
What Happy People Know,
Cool Stuff They Should Teach in School:
Mating in Captivity
Eating, Drinking, Overthinking
Self-Defeating Behaviors
Undercover Sex Signals
Controlling People
Raging Gracefully
Authentic Happiness.

My Reality Check Bounced.
What Should I Do With My Life?
Don’t Panic,
Refuse to Choose,
Stop Getting Dumped.
Kiss and Run,
Wear More Silk.
Think Like a Guy.
Date Like a Man.
I Know What You’re Thinking:
Why Can’t You Shut Up?
All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise.
Toxic People.
Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel.
Help, I’m In Love With a Narcissist.
Rescue Me, He’s Wearing a Moose Hat.

You Don’t Have To Take It Anymore.
It’s Not Me, It’s You.
Change Your Life in 30 Days,
Hip Tranquil Chick.
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself:
What’s Right With Me.
I am Diva.
I Used to Miss Him…But My Aim is Improving.

Don’t Call That Man,
The Sociopath Next Door,
He’s Just Not That Into You.

Why Men Love Bitches?
Dental Floss for the Mind.
Why Men Marry Bitches?
Dating Sucks.
Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget?
Yearnings.

How to Make People Like You?
How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends?
How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You?
How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk?
How to Change Anyone?
Get Anyone to Do Anything?
Pull Yourself Up By Your Bra Straps!
Stay Alive All Your Life,
No Opportunity Wasted.
It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys.

You’ve Got to Read This Book:
The Complete Idiots Guide to the Art of Seduction.
A Virgin’s Guide to Everything
Straight Up and Dirty.
The Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Jump Into Bed?
Why Do I Love These People?
Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress,
Do I Look Fat In This?
What Would Jackie Do?

Your Own Worst Enemy?
The Joys of Much Too Much?
Coming Apart?
How Far Will You Go?
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!

My Hero,
If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love.
I Love You, Let’s Meet
Gently Down the Stream:
A Weekend To Change Your Life.
Never Be Lied to Again.
Life Could Be Sweeter
Loving Someone With OCD.
Think Yourself Rich.
Expect a Miracle

Chris Smither-Help Me Now