Paradise Found

Well, forget sliced bread. There's a new greatest-thing-ever kid on the block, and methinks this one's got staying power. Maybe you folks on the coasts have been blessed for years, but this is the first I have ever heard of this nugget of nirvana, and I would just love for this to be its world-wide debut. Cleveland could use a little recognition, and this item has Cleveland written all over it.

What the hell am I talking about, you scream? It's simply the simplest. It's culinary Lennon & McCartney; a gourmand's Burns & Allen; a munchie fiend's Watson & Crick; a gustatory Trinidad & Tobago. It's bacon, covered in chocolate!.

Hey, you, come back down to Earth; spark up the defibrillator; you haven't died, but this is heaven. The ultimate pairing of the two greatest food groups, nay, the two greatest foods. Bacon, covered in chocolate!. Elton John once sang that the New York Times said God was dead. Well, if that's so, He/She/It is back and wearing a confectioner's toque. I think this might spell the death of sex, amusement parks, cable TV, booze, and Lotto. I mean, really, once one has bacon, covered in chocolate!, what does one need/want/crave?

Keep thinking, because now that there's bacon, covered in chocolate!, I've got all the time in the world.

The last thing I ever want to be (besides, suddenly, a man without access to bacon, covered in chocolate!) is a shill, but I must tip my spat out gum to Cleveland's greatest institution, Malley's Chocolates. This morning I turned on the radio and heard an ad for Malley's, pushing their usual (and very scrumptious) chocolate-covered grapes and strawberries, among other goodies, all in time for Sweetest Day this Saturday. Now at first I was disappointed not to hear the voice of the Malley's Matriarch, Adele, on the radio. The way she pronounces "chocolate-covered strawberries" makes you want to shed everything you are or will ever be, down to your mouth, tongue, and stomach, and burn effigies of Hershey's bars and the like, just so you can indulge yourself in chocolate-covered strawberries.

But then, just as I was missing Adele's tenderly excitable tones, came the announcement: Malley's now has bacon, covered in chocolate! Five hours later, when I could again breathe somewhat normally and had shed every tear of joy I'll ever muster for the rest of my life, I realized that if Adele had made the announcement of Malley's new bacon, covered in chocolate!, well, the excitement in her voice and the excitement that that voice would have ignited in the listeners, would have blown out any sense of sanity left in Cleveland. For public health reasons, I'm thankful Adele stayed away from the microphone; for personal mental health reasons, I'm thankful Adele and her minions have now taken bacon, and covered it in chocolate!.

Go to Malley's website, it's drool-worthy enough, but I just checked and there are no pictures of bacon, covered in chocolate! Again, for our safety, I'm sure. Just reading the phrase bacon, covered in chocolate! must have you all in a lather (writing it is just as bad); imagine seeing a picture of bacon, covered in chocolate! and not being able to sample it immediately? Torture.

I'm at a loss of thought. Jet packs, the ability to Tivo my dreams, a Cleveland championship of some kind--those seemingly untouchable wished-for lifetime dreams now seem so passe. We've got bacon, covered with chocolate!. What more could one ask for?

Um, Adele, how about sausage links, covered in chocolate!?

Joan Armatrading-Heaven

Pere Ubu-Heaven

Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians-Heaven