Resolved

Well, barely 36 hours into the New Year and my resolution list lies in tatters like my Edwards In 2008! signs. But I had to work both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day (ah, employment) so I think I'm entitled to a bit of a do over. Anyway, being a devout Gemini, I have both a public and a private list of resolutions for 2011. While the private list is available for a mere $49.99 (plus $6.00 in service fees), I now offer you gratis some of the highlights of my public one:

• Shit or get off the pot. Either get the damned Bigfoot costume darned and make a commitment to more daily walking, or shred the thing and re-enter the crop circle arena.
• Plain M&M's only in 2011.
• Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me annual resolution: Broker a deal by any means necessary to ensure the unbeatable Obama-Palin ticket for 2012.
• As a corollary of the above, try to hook Biden up with a job in my new workplace.
• Write fewer list blogs.
• Annual charity work resolution: Do what I can to help Scarlett Johansson through the difficult aftermath of her ruined marriage.
• Dreadlocks.
• Get them all off my back and finally join their damn fantasy curling league (hairdressers are such a high maintenance lot).
• Do my part to bring back tightie whities aka men's briefs.
• Make "etiquette" the new buzzword of '11.
• Check in regularly on Larry King.
• Keep all nine chest hairs well-groomed.
• No. 1--lift seat; No. 2--seat down.
• Simple formula: more travel = more TSA patdowns :)
• Oops, pay closer attention to which resolution list I'm cutting and pasting from.
• Reveal my love of Bob Dylan's music more openly.
• Maximize the day--trim Plain Dealer reading time from eight to six-and-a-half minutes daily.
• Be here now nowish.
• More Lenny, less Squiggy.
• Push the envelope in thinking outside the box so I can stay in the loop 24/7 and be able to bring to the table my true self and send the message that I am creative.
• For once in my life, let me try some pepper on that.