I Know My Oxy From My Moron, But Not My Parsley From My Shrubbery

I learn by going where I have to go.
         --Theodore Reothke

The boss today said it was either good news or neutral news. I'm not discounting the possibility that in time it will be good news, but neutral it is definitely not. There is nothing neutral about panic. The news is that I'm being moved from running the reference section at the bookstore to the cooking/gardening section (those who know me can stop laughing any hour now).

Reference felt like home: dictionaries, thesauri, trivia books, literary criticism, writing manuals, educational texts. Basically my bread and butter (jeez, less than one day into it and I can't stop with the food references). Now I'm headed into the two-nook shelves of Rachel Ray, paella, perennials, and landscape design. Things couldn't be more confusing for me right now if I (colorblind as I am) were put in charge of blending at a Sherwin-Williams store. I've said it before: my culinary expertise extends to clearly enunciating my order into the drive-thru squawk-box so that I don't have to repeat it, and no further. The only cooking reading I do or have done is reading the fine print to determine if I take the burrito out of the plastic bag or not before nuking it. Sure I cut a decent lawn, but colorblindness or not, I know my thumb is not close to being green. But what the hell; I can do this. If George W. Bush could go from whatever it was he did pre-2001 to being President of the United States and the Union held, I believe I can do this (sans my own personal Karl Rove, I might add). It's going to be rough at first, though. When the boss pointed out the shelf labeled "whole grains" I had to ask what the hell are those; is there such a thing as a half-grain? Upon further inspection of my new domain, I discovered that under my aegis I now also have responsibility for the Weddings and Etiquette shelves (friends, insert your own paragraphs of hilarity here). So long, Roget, hello Emily Post.

So, stay tuned. I'm sure some new insights re Martha Stewart and bonsai maintenance will be coming your way soon. All I know is I have a new-found respect for the word neutral.