Also-Rans

Win or go forgotten. I'm always amazed at this time of year when they talk about last year's Final Four participants or last year's runners-up at the Masters, that I have completely forgotten those almosts. I was reminded once again yesterday of the cruel fate of non-winners when Co-Worker (okay, Boss, the only non also-ran in this post) threw a crumpled piece of paper onto the enormous mountain of trash I was wheeling out of the store. As the paper flew the two feet of air between him and my trash heap, I braced for toppling. Boss was thinking the same thing as he said, "I hope this doesn't make it too heavy." Alas, nothing happened, but it made me think of the straw that thinks it'll be the one to break the camel's back, and how disappointed it must be when it takes its place among all the other pieces of straw and the camel continues to stand sturdily--there goes my shot at immortality. So today I'd like to give a shout out (well, maybe a muffled squawk out) to all the also-rans of history, whose failure is necessary to crown the Alpha Dog, the Icing on the Cake, the Cherry on Top of the Sundae.

• the straw that buckled the camel's knee
• the face that launched an Estes rocket
• the prune of his eye
• The New Paltz Times #1 Bestselling Author
• the mediocre medium-sized whorehouse in Texas
• the cat's leg warmers
• all the coffee in China
• the guy who gets more ass than a roped-off antique chair in a museum
• the player to be named when we get around to it
• shown with mild reservations in Boston
• Man's pretty good friend
• an air mattress of roses
• a certificate of participation wife
• Pattersonesque
• the goose that laid the tin egg
• built like a plywood pisser
• nobody expects the Portuguese Board of Inquiry
• Dapper Doug
• the four-hundred-sixty-two pound hippo in the utility room
• Lady Caca
• Belgian falafels
• Star Jaunt
• thinking under the box
• the hostess with the plenty enough to go around for all
• Auntie Maim
• the land of condensed milk and Honey Nut Cheerios
• the gerbil days of autumn
• Pete Best
• The Holy Grate
• the seventeenth nail in the coffin
• the Belarusian Kiss
• Living the Life of Wile E.
• a Chevy-on-its-way-to-the-dentist-for-a-teeth-cleaning-appointment-chasing lawyer
• a barrel of ferrets
• Fabian impersonators
• a lick-on tattoo of approval
• the bee's ankles
• da dud
• Prince Mildly Amusing
• the Swiss Navy nail file
• the hair apparent
• the anti-hero sandwich
• bi-polar ice caps
• the belly of the ball
• the Queen's Cockney
• the first pigeon of winter
• the power of a praying mistress
• the Boston Gooser
• robbing Bud to pay Lou
• The Near Death Experience of the Sales Rep
• Moby-Finger
• a Canadian wake
• My Slim-Fast Geek Retirement Party
• Cleveland