Suffice it to say, Gosh, science does march on, don't it? Admittedly, the last time I perused the Periodic Table of Elements was June 5, 1980, when I was doing some last second cramming for my eleventh grade chemistry final exam, but wow, those chemists have been busy. Not only have they added a few more places at the table over the last 32 years, but they've accessorized! Do you know that there's now a Lazy Susan of Elements perched smartly on the old Periodic Table? How quaint and helpful to all of us lay folk is that?
The story goes that as technology hit its present warp-speed phase a few years ago and new elements were being discovered or artificially created seemingly fortnightly, a kind of domestic chemical kitchen debate raged about where to arrange the newcomers on the increasingly crowded table of elements. As usual, the standard debate over whether to be fully inclusive of the Lanthanides and Actinides (kind of the Palestinians and District of Columbia denizens of the chemical world, the not-quite-matching-new-leafs-of-the-table elements) spilled over into the debate, with many experts adamantly against yet another unwieldy leaf. That's when Dr. A.C.D.C. "Skip" Effluvium seized his moment of fame. "Okay, brains," Skip exclaimed at a consortium of Table Logistics Guys confab, "since all of these new elements aren't, you know, main entrees, shall we say, like Hydrogen and Rhenium, but more like, well, 'condiment' elements, why don't we construct a real sleek Lazy Susan for them? Hunh? Sort of like that one Brandon bought for me at BB&B? Only teal." Before some of the Old Guard had laughed Skip out of the conference room, other more open-minded Logistics Guys bravely spoke up about the genius of Skip's idea. By week's end, that teal Lazy Susan was sitting gorgeously on top of all the most up-to-date Periodic Tables round the world (though Skip's suggestion/plea that Neon be added to the Lazy Susan, "just for, you know, some panache," never did gain any traction).
Not wanting to overwhelm my casual readers (I love you all, as you know), and not wanting to seem pedantically redundant to my more erudite, certified Chem-Head ones (hey, guys, how's it going?), instead of going in-depth about all the wonders of the Periodic Lazy Susan of Elements, let me just highlight some of my favorites, if for no other reason than to give you all a fighting chance with your Guardian Angel should he or she get a little ornery re chemicals. There's 183 Borium (Bm, not to be confused with 107 Bohrium, Bh), which was discovered by an amateur chemist in Topeka in the bathroom of the local Days Inn where a weekend metal detector devotees convention was taking place. So far, though, nothing in the natural world has had any detectable reaction--chemical or physical--with Borium; it just kind of is. 666 Umlautium (Uu) is a very heavy metal, found only in dingy bars in Denmark. Most chemists recommend wearing earplugs when handling it. 360 Yuckium (Yu) was discovered by accident when a Cheetos-loving chemist in Butte got a little careless. 571 Eh (Eh) is a rather worthless element. 321 Oyvehn (Oy) was discovered when Mrs. Moische Scheinblum looked under the bed in her son Alvie's basement room for the first time in twenty-one years. Controversially, there's one compartment of the Periodic Lazy Susan that is left blank, in the belief (for some) that a new element, tentatively named Ahhaium (Ah) will be synthesized naturally from the collective sighs of relief and vindication that will emanate from Clevelanders upon one of their sports teams finally winning a championship. The esteemed chemist, Dr. Jose Castro, a lifelong Clevelander who has recently fled Dodge and ex-patriated himself to sunny SoCal, scoffs at such a notion: "Given the present laws of science, let alone the obvious supernatural curses long at work, impossible!"
No comments:
Post a Comment