There's a sign, much like the one pictured above, right outside my Place of Work. I like standing directly underneath it for minutes at a time, sometimes on my way into work (clearing my mind for the arduous eight hours ahead of me, setting my daily work goals, watching the parked cars in the adjacent parking lot), sometimes on my break. As David Byrne put it, it's a "good place to get some thinking done." Of course, there's more to it than that. I wish some person would come by and snap an ironic picture of me. Better yet, I want some snooty person to tell me to "read the sign, mister, and move along." Best would be if some cop stopped and read me my rights. I have nodded to passing cops, but they just nod back, never braking hastily and calling for back-up. Now I fully realize it's not like nailing 95 Theses to the wall, or hurling a Molotov cocktail, or even dumping over-priced tea into some harbour, but I kind of like standing where I've been expressly told not to stand--it's my own little way of protesting all the creeping idiocies of the world, as insignificant a gesture as it might be.
Because one needs to loiter a bit in life, and while maybe it lacks a little brio, where's there a better place to loiter in America these days than that symbol of all that's great about America--a strip mall? There's nothing much to dazzle in the history of the word loiter--some Middle English or Middle Dutch (loteren--to wobble) origin--but in the list of "related" words, I did discover a great one I've never seen or heard of before: footle, "to act or talk in a foolish or silly way" (hmmm, I may have found a new motto for this blog). So now I really hope a cop comes by some day when I'm seemingly loitering beneath the "No Loitering" sign. "Can't you read the sign, buddy?" "Oh yes, officer. And I might just be able to translate it into Middle Dutch for you, too." "Well then, move on now." "Oh, but officer, the sign prohibits loitering; I am not loitering but footling" (at which time, if I'm a feeling-lucky punk, I might point out that on my go-to source for all this, dictionary.com, there's a "Word Dynamo Rating" [complete with a cool lightning rod logo] that tells me "people who can define the word loiter may know 6,112 words," but if I can define footle, I may know 42, 605 words, as many as an 11th grader!--so we'll see if the said cop has an 11th grade vocabulary). Another great "related" word is "dawdle" (11,000+ words). Although dawdle seems to imply intentional delay--I've got somewhere to be, I'm just taking my time getting there--loiter seems to imply nowhere better or else to be.
Anyway, my point is, call it what you will--loitering, dawdling, or footling--we all need such moments of hanging around doing nothing obviously productive. Wasn't Newton loitering when he sat 'neath the apple tree? Wasn't Whitman dawdling when he was staring down that blade of grass? Wasn't George de Mestral footling when he came up with the idea of Velcro? I bet more good things in human history have occurred from the result of the combined loitering, dawdling, and footling of heroes and rapscallions than from all the committee meetings, task forces, and power lunches. But what's the reward? Nothing but No Loitering signs everywhere you go. Where's the monument to Loitering for all the good it's done us as a species? More humbly, where are the Please Loiter Here signs? Wouldn't the sight of just one of those once in your life be the most charming, welcoming, humane thing? My gosh, I've just discovered the greatest pick-up line of all time: May I loiter with you? You'd think loiter would figure more prominently in popular song. It's ripe for a punk anthem, of course, and I can certainly hear Mick Jagger, in the middle of "Let It Bleed," singing, "And we all need, some place we can loiter ... and if you wanta, well you can loiter with me." Perhaps the reason why loiter isn't more popular in popular song, though, is that the only word I know of that rhymes with it is goiter. Sorry, I'm footling around here when I should be going on and on about the joys of loitering. But it's not something I really have to explain, is it?
The actual sign outside my Place of Work differs slightly from the one pictured above. In small print at the bottom, it reads "Local Ordinance 547.09." Being the strict letter-of-the-law guy that I am, I had to check out this ordinance, which lo and behold, I love modern life, is easily accessible on this world (just in case someone in Jakarta needs to know the .0whatever intricacies of the Mayfield Heights, Ohio, ordinances) wide web (okay, before discovering my golden loophole of "footling," I felt I should memorize the ordinance in the event of a contretemps with Johnny Law). Here, as they say, is the bespoke ordinance, verbatim:
No pedestrian, loiterer, member of a loitering gang or group or other person shall intentionally block ways and entries to or congregate on private property in the nonresidential districts of the City, as specified on the Zone Map which is part of the Zoning Code, where business is conducted or services rendered and an invitation to enter is made to members of the public, express or implied, for such purpose. No such person shall interfere with the intended use of parking lots adjacent to such business or part of the same property where the business is located. It shall be prima-facie evidence of such intent when such person continues to loiter or block passage, or when such person remains, after being requested by a police officer or owner, lessee or person in charge of the property to move on.
Good God, they even use that wonderful cop-speak "move on" phrase! I love the choices they give you to identify yourself: you're either a pedestrian (and really, unless you're idling your car on the sidewalk underneath the sign, you're a pedestrian--prima facie--aren't you? Well, I guess not technically if you're in a wheelchair or one of those scooters--are those people exempt from the loitering prohibition?), a loiterer (which smacks to me of a huge presumption--you're guilty of loitering if you're a loiterer?), a member of a "loitering gang" or group (ooohhhh, the gang problem is really getting out of hand if we not only have vandalizing gangs and drug gangs and menacing gangs, but loitering gangs ["mom, we don't do bad stuff, we're just a gang who loiters"]; and what's this generic "group"?--isn't everybody a member of some kind of legally definable group?), or other person. Other person? "We picked up this guy loitering, Sarge." "Pedestrian?" "No, he was on one of those scooters." "Known loiterer?" "Record's clean, Sarge." "Gang member?" "Nope." "Member of a group?" "No, confirmed lifelong loner." "Must be an 'other person' then. Book 'em."
I don't know, life's tough when you can't just stand around anymore. No April Footling.
No comments:
Post a Comment