Andy Warhol Is So Yesterday

Okay, time to fess up. Despite my infrequent bashing of "numbers guys," I must come clean and admit that I am indeed quite a numbers guy. I just don't like to admit it, let alone flaunt it, but the time has now come to admit and flaunt. Tonight on the NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt (that might be the root of the problem: my favorite TV newsperson, Lester Holt, was "off" tonight), they aired a rather insipid story centered on the couple who recently crashed the White House state dinner. Instead of offering some new juicy tidbits about the fakers, the story, with copious footage of all the "Balloon Boy" antics, was all about reality TV and the lengths people now go to achieve their "15 Minutes of Fame."

In case the extent of your pop cultural knowledge is no greater than reading a six-month-old copy of People Magazine in your dentist's office once, you may not be familiar with the whole 15 Minutes thing. Uber pop cultural icon Andy Warhol famously once said, "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes." So, of course, everyone who has anything to say about flash-in-the-pan celebrities now references the quote. Unfortunately, Warhol made the observation in 1968. 1968! Some perspective: If David Brinkley (the only other NBC newsperson who could hold a candle to Lester Holt) had remarked in 1968 that "in the future, everyone will pay $1.00 for a gallon of gas," everyone would have thought him as mad as Andy Warhol, and then, lo and behold, when his prediction did indeed come true, a couple years later, we would have hailed him as a genius. Of course, by now, inflation has done its job and we now look back on buck-a-gallon gas with nostalgic longing. My point is, 15 minutes of fame in 1968 is not the same as "15 minutes of fame" today (and yet Andy is still an icon and no one even thinks of saying, as everyone rightfully should, "That Lester Holt is the next David Brinkley, mark my words"; is it just the wig, or am I missing something?).

There needs to be some major adjusting for inflation in this whole Warhol 15 Minutes thing, and that's where my usually-kept-under-wraps numbers expertise comes in, because this ain't no simple multipy-by-four-and-add-a-few-random-decimal-points-to-make-it-look-good job. At the risk of boring you, and worse, making you feel inferior, I'll spare you all the formulae (including the brand new Beta version of the TLC/Baker-Freddie Mac Positive-Mediocre-Negative Fame-O-Meter/Spectrum, Mach 7), logarithms (God knows what those are and how to spell the word) calculations (including the slope rating of the Brentwood Country Club golf course [celebrity tees, naturally]), equations (including the now proven-beyond-a-doubt Geraldo's Theorem Law, E!=CNN cubed) arcane symbols (the Prince glyph crossed with the TMZ logo, which represents ancillary spin-off marketing potential), and chalk dust (though if you're interested in all that [and if you are, you're obviously reading the wrong blog] you can check out my sister site, spitoutyourslideruleand yourdamnprotractor.com). Suffice it to say, I've checked the numbers several times, run them through thousands of computer simulations (including several dozen accounting for the shutting down of all cable TV outlets, gossip magazines, social networks, and the Internet, which as all you right-minded people know, Obama will be undertaking with due diligence and speed after the mid-term elections next year), got a thumbs up from my ten-year-old neighbor and all-around whiz Tao Welschmertz O'Brien, and even got it all vetted by a NASA guy I know (thanks, Tim!). In conclusion, what with all the post-1968 factors weighed conservatively and relatively (among which, but not even really scratching the surface, are Larry King's miraculous longevity and ratings, Barbara Walters's entire gestalt, and medicinal marijuana) everyone can now expect to be world-famous for a whopping half-life of 142 days, 16 hours, 15 minutes (amazing how that one worked out), and 3.14 seconds (except in Presidential election years or The Big One hitting--i.e., the inevitable death of Elizabeth Taylor [keep kickin' Liz, we luv ya!]--when the half-life of one's fleeting fame will be reduced by a factor of 3.Sean Hannity rants).

Capiche? Now can we let Andy rest in peace and finally get to the bottom of the whole Tiger Woods/Elin car wreck (wink wink) thing?

Mission Of Burma-Fame and Fortune