I believe I am a somewhat reserved man. My career as a visual artist notwithstanding, when it comes to making proclamations, I rarely if ever "color outside the lines." Sure, if the subject is Bob Dylan, bacon, covered in chocolate!, or the utilititarianism of the Q-Tip (and here I'll unabashedly embrace the brand--no generic cotton swab for me; it's Q-Tip or nothing), I will make the most extreme statements possible, because the truth requires I do so. But in most other cases, while I may not necessarily "hold" my tongue, I do not allow it to run pell-mell willy nilly all over the place. If I were Paul Revere, I probably would have shouted from the horse, "It appears some humans, perhaps men, Caucasian, perhaps European, maybe of Anglo descent, are in the vicinity, quite possibly moving toward us!" If I were Vince Lombardi, I probably would have told the boys in the locker room, "Winning isn't the best thing--I think we would all agree eternal salvation pretty much trumps everything, and of course a hot shower on a cold morning is up there, let alone a smart fitting black cocktail dress--it is the only thing, um, that will make us happy in the next three hours (unless of course the rapture hits before the final whistle, then we revert to the eternal salvation thing) because losing is kind of a bummer (not that we shouldn't still hold our heads up high) and a tie, well, a tie just looks awkward in the standings, and while I have nothing against looking awkward, cool your jets there Williams, God made you too, and God doesn't make junk, anyway, let's get out there and try our best to win" (I just now realized Lombardi's quote is "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing," but I take it you get my point). And if I were FDR, I would have said, "The only thing we have to fear is, well, let's be honest, a shitload of stuff, but God willing and the creek don't rise, and, well, just don't shriek if you do get scared. I can't stand shrieking."
All of that said, I've thought long and hard about this next statement, and I stand behind it, extreme as it is, 100%. The 2009 Cleveland Browns football team is not only the worst Browns football team in my life, not only the worst Cleveland sports team in my life, but the absolutely worst team of any kind I have ever rooted for (and I was at Northwestern when the Wildcat football team set the then-record for the longest Division I losing streak). I hear that even St. Jude is appealing to the Big Man Himself for help with this one. One of my favorite truck drivers got out of his rig a bit gingerly today. I asked him if he was okay. "I don't know, my butt's killing me today." "Must be a Browns fan," I said, and oh, we laughed away our woes for ten minutes over that one.
Anyway, this Browns team in its absolute worstness has got me thinking about other unequivocally worsts in my life. A sampling:
- worst fruit--grapefruit
- worst food--mushrooms (every and all)
- worst "classic" book I've read--Rabbit, Run by John Updike
- worst wurst--knack-
- worst Beatles song--"Hello, Goodbye"
- worst month--February
- worst pie--coconut cream
- worst letter--H
- worst number--734
- worst color--purple (or is that kind of teal?)
- worst Charlie's Angels episode--tie: all of the ones without Farrah
- worst type of hair--nose
- worst concert I ever saw--Cowboy Junkies
- worst movie--Forest Gump (or is it Forrest? Who cares?)
- worst actor--Robin Williams
- worst element--argon
- worst musical instrument--bagpipes (though one of the best jokes I've ever heard concerns an octopus amd bagpipes and has the punchline, "Play it? If I could figure a way to get its pajamas off I'd make love to it!"
- worst deli meat--bologna
- worst overused word--bespoke
- worst underused word--goiter
- worst fact in the world--the Browns still have eight games to play this season
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