But first, I learned from the ever-fascinating folks at wikipedia that, for reasons not exactly clear to me, while All Saints Day is a HDoO in the United States, it apparently isn't in Hawaii. Okay, they've been a state now for fifty years, I think they need to get fully with the program. What, being obligated to go to mass might mess up a good surf day? Ooh, it's November, the temperature might dip into the seventies--can't risk pneumonia going to church, better stay inside? This is their compensation for having to get up at dawn to watch the early football games? Hawaiian Catholics are that much holier than their continental counterparts that they get dispensation on All Saints Day? Something smells fishy to me. Obama's Hawaiian, he must be behind it, right Rush?
If that weren't disturbing enough, then I found this news item on my favorite site for the universally disgruntled, the Grudge Report. It's too unbelievable to paraphrase and too incendiary to waste your time having to click on a link, so I'm just going to paste the verbatim Reuters story right here. May the venerable St. Fred, the patron saint (for a comprehensive list of patron saints, click here) of jaw-dropping balderdash, protect us in these troubled times.
Seemingly inspired by the recent attempt to recall Don Plusquellic, Mayor of Akron, Ohio, a small group of progressive saints has been entreating the Catholic Church here on Earth to launch a similar referendum on the performance of Saint Jude, the longtime patron saint of desperate cases (formerly known as hopeless causes). While the Vatican is typically keeping mum on the growing controversy, the recall effort has been gaining more support among Catholics worldwide, especially the notoriously recalcitrant American ones.
"Let's face it," says Monsignor Dennis "Rip" O'Toole of the Chicago Diocese, "the world is becoming more and more desperate and hopeless. Under Jude's watch things have only gotten worse. With all the Cub fans in my diocese, let alone those poor Cleveland sports fans, plus the state of the Republican Party and the dire situation in Afghanistan, let alone Sally (The Flying Nun) Field's career, everywhere you look it's just one desperate case after another. The time has come for change." O'Toole has been gathering electronic signatures on the website he and 12-year-old altar boy and web wunderkind Chuckie Tao unveiled last month, hopelessjudemustgo.com, and is lobbying the American Bishops Council to draft a letter to Pope Benedict XVI calling for an immediate synod to address the issue.
Under the heading "desperate cases make strange bedfellows," Grace Hunter, executive director of We Want Justice Done (WWJD), a not-for-profit organization advocating the ordination of women, based in Providence, Rhode Island, agrees with O'Toole's petition drive. "Our organization has been holding a novena to Jude for years and years now, and nothing. Zilch. Nada," says Hunter. "If anything, the situation's gotten worse. What have you done for us lately, Jude? You know? We demand a recall immediately." She says that WWJD is trying to draft Saint Matrona, presently the patron saint of dysentery sufferers, into running against Jude, citing "obvious reasons." "When was the last time you or anyone you knew suffered from dysentery, hunh? I rest my case."
"This is a textbook example of complacency," argues Hugh Sloat of the Yale Divinity School. "Jude figures the people who turn to him already feel hopelessly desperate, so what's the motivation? I hear he's spending a helluva lot of time on his golf game, speaking of desperate cases."
Cardinal Nardi Nessenio, official Vatican spokesman, would say only, through an interpreter, "Jude's been a steady patron saint in a, let's face it, pretty unglamorous job, for centuries now. He's still getting great press. Just look at the personals sections in newspapers across the globe. We've been very happy with his performance. You just don't go changing patron saints like football (real and American) coaches. That's poppycock."
According to unnamed sources in the Vatican, though, Saint Methodius, of the saintly sibling duo Saints Cyril and Methodius, is the driving force behind the recall movement. "He's a bottom-line, spreadsheet kind of saint," contends one of the unnamed sources, "and his charts find Jude's performance pretty lackluster, compared to many of his fellow patron saints. It's a compelling argument."
The source points to the recent successes of such saints as Gabriel (patron saint of telecommunications), Amand (winegrowers), and Barbara (architects), who have adapted to the changing demands of globalization and modern life in general. "If there's one thing all of our modern conveniences and advances should provide for us, it's freedom from desperation, hope, to put it bluntly, but the results just aren't there for Jude, or so Methodius argues."
"Methodius is just showing the strains of a long sainthood spent in the shadow of his brother, Cyril, who's actually the younger sibling and who changed his name from Constantine to the more beatific Cyril just before he died," retorts Fr. Horst Dower of Vienna's acclaimed think tank, the Freudian Union of Saint Study. "He feels he's been disrespected for centuries: no church named just for him, no patron saint duties just for him, yada, yada, yada. It's like Paul McCartney after all these years suddenly wanting the Lennon-McCartney credit switched on a few songs. It's strictly an ego thing, and I, quite frankly, find his behavior most unsaintly."
For his part, Saint Jude has made no public statement regarding the recall attempt, but Fulton Sheen, Jude's private secretary, on Sunday told Face the Cosmos, "The Saint is doing what he has always done: work tirelessly for his petitioners. He hardly ever sleeps. Right now, obviously, he's up to his eyeballs. I mean, somehow he wound up on Gary Coleman's speed dial."
While most church experts believe no recall will take place, several influential saint-watchers say the jockeying for position among the canonized has already started. "You've got opportunists in every walk of life," says Calvin Luther, professor of theology at Notre Dame University. "I've heard rumblings about Saint Dunstan forming an exploratory committee. And why shouldn't he? Here's a chance to move up from being the patron saint of blacksmiths. Who can blame him?"
Saint Matthew, always considered a mover and shaker with broad-based support, has already issued a pre-emptive statement saying he is not interested in the position, citing personal reasons, though many experts feel his recent track record (he's the patron saint of accountants) makes him unelectable at this time.
As usual, Hollywood is getting in on the act. Veteran actor and long-time outspoken Catholic Martin Sheen has hinted that he would be open to tossing his presumed halo into the ring. "I resurrected my son Charlie's career from drugs and strippers. I think I can do a little something for desperate cases worldwide."
Actor/director Mel Gibson is more forthright. "Hell yes I want the job," he said last week when asked about a possible candidacy while on location in Borneo shooting the next installment of the Mad Max series of movies.
As of last Friday, former New York Governor Mario Cuomo was still non-committal.
Los Lobos-Saint Behind the Glass
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