Dressed To Perplex

I've been told I clean up nicely. Which is a polite way of saying that I usually look pretty ragged, but in a necessary pinch, I can look respectable. And although I can't say I've ever aspired to be, today I found myself wondering about the expression "dressed to the nines." Once again my beef with numbers was stoked when I went looking for the story behind this seemingly common phrase and found virtually nothing, not even some good theories. Apparently the phrase dates back to the 18th century, but that's about it. So, in the spirit of "those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it, and that for which there is no history, fake it," here goes my numerical chart for dressing:

• Dressed to the Negatives: any kind of unconventional hairstyle, boots, black jeans and a t-shirt, preferably black, whose image and/or words will make any half-sentient grandparent scoff
• Dressed to the Zeros: naked as a jaybird (and no such luck, either; no good theories out there about why a pretty sporty bird happens to be the figurative representation of nakedness)
• Dressed to the Ones: the jury's still out: either an aroused naked man or a t-shirt, sweats, and flipflops
• Dressed to the Twos: cute twins under the age of ten, and get-over-it-and-on-with-it twins over the age of ten
• Dressed to the Threes: any get-up that provokes people into comparing you to Moe, Larry, Curly, or even Shemp
• Dressed to the Three point one four...: any of the above or below complemented with a pie in the face
• Dressed to the Fours: Any sartorial ensemble that makes people think they're watching the 1975 Masters golf tournament on ESPN Classic
• Dressed to the Fives: the gold standard, as far as I'm concerned; comfortable, non-ostentatious, looks fine even after you've been forced to sleep in it
• Dressed to the Sixes: anything seen on a VH1 Heavy Metal Weekend
• Dressed to the Sevens: anything you wouldn't be caught dead in
• Dressed to the Eights: anything that makes you as cool as Paul Westerberg (see video below)
• Dressed to the Nines: anything you'd like to wear but can't afford
• Dressed to the Tens: cornrows and a slinky one-piece bathing suit

• Dressed to the Umpteens: what you wear to shovel snow in Cleveland; it's coming folks

Po' Girl-Nine Hours To Go