"Cause that rooster crowed. Why else?"
"Now that right there's what I'm talking about. You gonna have to be smart this weekend. Your Uncle P's seeing fit to pay us a visit."
"Is he gonna bring me some glossies? I like at Nashnal Joegraffik."
"Yeah, well, daddy's gonna inspect that first."
"I always get unfused. Is he yourn bigger or littler brother?"
"Pickwick's younger. Only wish he'd act it."
"Pickwick?"
"That's his name, boy." I'll be. I thought all this time his real name was Lenard cause Granpa Lick always call him the Lenard One. Uncle P for his badder control cause he always running off to some tree to leave hisself. "Tho I think I'm gonna start calling him Dantick. Yeah, Uncle P Dantick. I like at."
"Why Dantick?"
"He got a dip-loma now."
"Ain't he go to St. Jude's and get it moved like Aunt Conestoga got her mel-loma moved?"
"Boy," daddy Uncle Evelyn laughed, "stick to sayin thank you and ain't that inneresting, Uncle P. That kind of talk is just what I'm talkin bout."
I cant wait till I get whiskers and I can start talkin about things no one knows what I'm talkin about.
Anyway, this was all after Fine Tune my cousin who aint neither my cousin and DeLorean one of ourn cows got sucked up by the youfoe and ain't been seen after. And after then the govment men and woman came and took Fine Tune's little brother Curdle to St. Jude's for wrecktifryin. Tho why they had to take him two counties over for that I don't know cause you could tell after seeing Fine Tune and DeLorean get ubskonded by that youfoe that Curdle was plenty wrecked already.
Well the next hour just like daddy Uncle Evelyn said Uncle P did sure drive up in his yellow Duster just as we was finishin off the last of the fried umbles for breakfast. I sure like em umbles. Daddy had finally shot that buck that had broke that fence and sold off all the scrap meat and we got to eat umbles for a week or more. Honey on it for breakfast and ketchup for supper, that's what Rayleen says and I usually abide but a little snuck honey in with the ketchup at night is the best way to enjoy umbles. I learned that from Granny Lick. She show don't tell cause as Granpa Lick say the good Lord in his mercy done took Granny Lick's voicebox out afore I was hatched.
Uncle P had one of those goats on his face and a whole box of glossies for me, Nashnal Joegraffiks and Poplar McCanniks and some other books with no glossies in em which Rayleen uses to even out all the chairs and tables and beds but which daddy Uncle Evelyn had lifted up and put on the shelf after he moved Granpa Lick's coffee cans this morning I reckon.
"Evelyn," Uncle P said when he got outta the Duster.
"I told the boy I'm calling you Dantick from now on," daddy said. "Uncle P Dantick."
"I see you've been nosing around the books I bought for Roswell. I guess it's never too late."
"I aint dumb Dantick. I just smart enough to know I aint smart and never will be. Take heed."
"The place looks good."
"It aint. Fact I got some repair work I been waiting on you to help me with. If'n you still get your hands dirty, Dantick."
"Actually, I've got a second job doing some maintenance work at WCC."
"Always got somethin to crow bout, dont you P?"
Next thing I knowed we was startin to head out to the back fence down at the branch where that buck'd ruined it. I hadnt even time to look thru the glossies.
"Aren't we going to need a toolbox, Evelyn?"
"This here is the only tool you almost ever need," daddy Uncle Evelyn said as he showed Uncle P the end of his crowbar up close. "Dont need schoolin for that, do you?"
"Gotcha, Cain," Uncle P laughed.
"I got my pistol case we spies any lunch," daddy Uncle Evelyn said as he pounded his holster. "Boy'll carry the wood. I dint want you to heft anything. Figure luggin that brain around was enough for you to handle."
"What about nails?"
"Any good man's always got some in his pockets."
"Better than in your head, I guess. How's the truck running?"
"It aint. For now. We walkin."
"But that's like three miles."
"We run that truck down there be pushin it back. Asides it only two miles as the crow flies."
Five minutes into the hike Uncle P says, "Actually, crows don't really fly that straight. Their flight is more of a swooping arc. As my lovely English professor Salome Dove might say, that idiom's a bit of a misnomer."
"I think I had a bit of a Miss Nomer one time. How's that for an idiom, idjit?"
"Actually, that was more of a pun. A misnomer is..."
"How come the first words outta yourn mouth is always actually?"
"Actually, you know, in fact. It is what it is. I'm just stating what is, actually, true, what is."
"Dantick, this here is Waynesboro County. Where cows and pee-dantick little boys get sucked up into flying saucers and uncles aint uncles and sisters aint sisters. Nothing is what it is here. Don't they teach you that at WCC?"
"Speaking of Rayleen, brother Evelyn, she's not such a pert thing anymore. She's got some crow's feet, near as I can tell." I dont know about that. She collects titmouse feathers I know but I aint never seen no crow's feet in her special box. Have to slice em right off I expect.
"She only wrinkles when you come round. Sort of like a skunk spraying."
We kept on walking but I could tell Uncle P was getting tired and a little mad at everything daddy Uncle Evelyn was saying so I tried to cheer him up making daddy Uncle Evelyn look dumb.
"Hey Uncle P," I say, "Uncle Evelyn aksed me why I was up this morning after leaving myself of last night's umbles. As if he didnt know that rooster crowing waked me up as always."
"Actually," daddy Uncle Evelyn said real funny like, "I told boy to why's up on accounta yourn visit."
"Actually," Uncle P said back, "I better why's up. I forgot I won't be able to sleep in tomorrow because I'm back in the land of the crowing cock."
"Watch the language," daddy Uncle Evelyn said, showing Uncle P the crowbar close up again. "Able."
"Roswell lives on a farm, dear brother. Roosters are called cocks. It is what is, Waynesboro County or not."
"Speaking of crowing cocks, Dantick, how come yours never crows."
"Uncle Evelyn!" I says hardly believing daddy could be that dumb. "Uncle P lives in the city. Cocks dont crow there. They use larm cocks there, actually."
They both laughed which made me feel good but I don't know why.
"Actually, " Uncle P looked at Uncle Evelyn funny, "them WCC coeds got me crowing a little bit, brother."
Daddy Uncle Evelyn stopped walking then and kind of regripped his crowbar. "What does WCC mean," I aksed.
"Evidentally, Where Cocks Crow, hunh P?" Daddy Uncle Evelyn laughed.
"Actually, actually." They laughed again. "Waynesboro Community College, actually, Roswell. And once I get out of there I'm going to put some money aside so you can go there someday, too." Daddy Uncle Evelyn grunted then like one of the nails in this pocket got turned the wrong way. My wood was getting heavy by then but thank God Uncle P had to stop and leave hisself in some scrub so I got to rest a bit.
Over the next hill we come upon the old scarecrow that Uncle P helped me and Fine Tune and Curdle build a long time ago. It aint never scared no crow that I seen only Curdle but Curdle scares easy so it aint no credit of the scarecrow. Sure enuf like to prove the point when we got close to it there must a been thirteen crows settin on it just lookin at us as we walked by em.
"How come crows never crow Uncle P?"
"Actually they caw. Roosters crow, crows caw, for some reason."
"What kind of noise do them WCC coeds make when you ruffle they feathers, Dantick?"
"Oh, Pickwick, actually."
The fence werent too bad broken when we got there actually. Uncle P even said, "We came out all this way for this?" But daddy Uncle Evelyn kind of laughed a little laugh and crowed the planks from the post that I could of pulled off with my hands actually. Him and Uncle P then pushed and pulled the old post out and threw it down toward the branch then put the post that I had lugged into the hole. After digging up some fresh dirt with the crowbar and making me pat it around the bottom of the post, daddy Uncle Evelyn fished out a few nails from his pocket.
"What do you say, P? Three planks, two nails apiece. I say I can make it all snug in no more'n ten wacks."
"With what? That skinny curved crowbar end? Let me have some of that moonshine for lunch that you've been drinking.Ten wacks? Go ahead. I wanna see you eat some crow, big brother."
"Whattaya bet?"
"Twenty bucks."
"It was just one buck that ruined this fence, and I ain't got twenty dollars lessen I raid Granny Lick's snuff box, and you and me both know why that aint gonna happen."
"I still got the scars."
"Actually, you said it. Eat crow. I been meaning to murder one them ugly birds just for sport."
"Actually, that's what you call a group of crows. A murder of crows. Professor Salome Dove gave a complete lecture on colorful collective nouns just last week."
"Get you big head out of Professor Dove's nest and back to our bet, Dantick. More'n ten wacks, I shoot the crow and eat it for lunch. Ten or less, I shoot you eat."
"Does it taste like umbles? I want to eat some crow too."
"Interesting, actually. To make the idiom literal. Professor Salome Dove will be amazed, and quite shocked. Oh Pickwick, indeed. Actually. You're on."
"Boy can count to ten, I reckon."
"Five hundred last count, daddy Uncle Evelyn."
"Unseasoned. Heat it any way you like, but no fixins."
"Start hammerin already. I can tell you're gettin hungry."
Daddy Uncle Evelyn had Uncle P hold the plank and he dug a nail in just enuf so it would stand up. I was ready to count. He wacked once and he wacked again and the first nail was in tight. With the next one he did the same.
"Impressive, actually," Uncle P said as he lifted up the second plank, "but at that rate it'll be twelve wacks, in case you forgot your multiplication tables. Professor Salome Dove will love the digital pictures I'm gonna take on my phone."
"Actually, I'm just warming up. Ready boy?"
"Four so far. Five's next."
"See P, you aint the only genius in the family."
One wack, I swear, and the next nail was snug. Uncle P kinda shivered. Daddy Uncle Evelyn kind of slipped on the next wack but finished that nail off with another wack. "How many boy?"
"Seven wacks so far."
"How many nails left?"
"Two."
"Mathematically still possible, actually, hunh P?"
"Don't get cocky. Or crow before all your nails are nailed."
"Rare or well done?"
"Pretty good so far I'd say, daddy Uncle Evelyn."
"That's my boy."
Wack wack. Wack.
"You did it!"
"Well I'll be."
"You'll be eating crow I say."
When we got back to the scarecrow, daddy Uncle Evelyn took his pistol out, aimed and fired one shot. Twelve crows scatter-flew. One dropped off the scarecrow's right arm. "Go fetch Uncle P Dantick's lunch, boy."
"I smell a rat," Rayleen said back in the kitchen after figuring out Uncle P's cellphone camera at daddy Uncle Evelyn's insistence and taking a few pictures of Uncle P eating the crow.
"Funny. All's I smell is well-done crow, aint that right, boy?"
"Howzit taste, Uncle P? Can I have some?"
"Hush up boy, Uncle P Dantick is the only one eating crow today."
"Y'all set him up. That ole fence dint need no mendin. You just wanted to sport with your brother. Shame."
Daddy Uncle Evelyn laughed. "All I want to do is have some fun."
"Actually, it's not too bad," Uncle P said, wiping his chin. "Tastes kinda like squirrel, actually."
"And I got the feeling I aint the only one."
Next year when daddy Uncle Evelyn lets me shoot that pistol like he promised, I'm gonna get me some crow to eat. Actually.
The Crows-I Love You So
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