Don't F with the F-Word

"I don't fuck with decaf."

Johnny said that to me today when, after telling me he doesn't drink coffee at night because it keeps him up, I asked if he ever drinks decaf. Now I like Johnny; he's down to earth, nice, and pretty funny. But he's seriously off base about this whole thing. Decaf is harmless, the weak link in the liquid refreshment chain. I should know. Owing to a freaky night years ago I don't want to re-visit for you all just now, I was made to swear off caffeine. Horrors, some of you might think. Actually, it's not too bad. You get used to the taste--it does have some--and really, after a short while, there is definitely a placebo effect. If might be just decaf, but believe me, you NEED it in the morning, and a few sips into it you're feeling refreshed and ready for the day, just like caf. It's fine, really, and that's what takes me to my real point about Johnny's remarks: there is absolutely no reason for him to use the F word in his sentence.

Now, don't accuse me of being a vocabulary milquetoast. F is a valid word and has its place (many places, actually, it being one of the language's most flexible words), and I certainly have utilized it here and there. There are certainly many people, places, and things one should not F with--drunken Philadephia fans, the town of Hell, Michigan, and the IRS, for starters. But decaf is not one of them. Drink a gallon at midnight, pour it on your begonias, use every imaginable permutation of the F-word to insult its (perceived) lack of taste and pick-me-up--decaf will abide and not bite back in any real or metaphorical manner. Go ahead Johnny and everybody else, F with decaf to your heart's content. You'll be fine.

Caf, on the other hand, is to be F-ed with (if you so choose) very carefully. I have arrived at that conclusion empirically and somewhat accidentally. You see, in my years of strict decaffing, once in a while I have been "slipped a mickey" by absent-minded (I prefer to give one the benefit of the doubt) hosts and hostesses, baristas (our pierced brethren and sisteren who work at coffee shop[pe]s), and wait staff. Believe me, after being off the stuff for some time, if you pound a cup or mug of the stuff unknowingly, prepare for take-off. The ensuing warp-speed ride your mind will involuntarily embark on will without a doubt F with you, whether or not you want to F with it or not.

But, like Ishmael, I survived such accidental infusions. And so, not without first silently humming a few bars of "I Will Survive" to myself, I will now infrequently indulge myself in a small amount of caf, not for any jolt beyond the one decaf provides me (maybe in my delusionment), but mainly because the Burger King I drive thru every morning sold me one too many cups of last night's decaf (my apologies, Johnny; you do not want to F with overnight, cold decaf).

I guess my point in all of this is, choose wisely not only what you agree to F with in life, but also choose wisely what you label as F-ing with: mess with, try, sample, tango with, dabble in, play with, dip my toes in--all of these are more precise terms for many experiments in engagement.

And while I'm at it, I can't stand people who F with (in any way shape or form) the words frickin' or friggin'. As the estimable Joe Martin used to say all the time, shit or get off the pot. Either use the F-word or don't. Frickin' and friggin' are the unquestionable decaf (in Johnny's estimation of decaf) of the F-word. I believe the word "stupid" will substitute accurately and quite appropriately for anyone wanting to use the words frickin' or friggin'. To put it another way, think of the Blues as the F-word. Sometimes you're in the mood to hear, sing, or play the blues. Fine. Do so. Just don't think listening to, singing along with, or playing frickin' George Thorogood is the real friggin' thing. Got it?

As my college roommate (named John,coincidentally) used to say, "F, what a great word." Like gourd, fester, scruple, and moist, it can be, when used appropriately.

And since we've dipped our toes into festering waters a bit here, enjoy some gloriously off-color George Carlin, or to balance it out, some sweetly twee Bee Gees. (Sorry. I was asked to take them down.)

The Bee Gees-Words