But I'm magnaminous; I can understand car guys. Numbers guys, however, I don't get. Numbers, like office bores, ants, and opera, are repetitive, endless, and itch-inducing. My big problem with numbers (and those who slobber over them) is that they are so unplayful, so unspontaneous, so rigid. By definition (mine, if no one else's), numbers are exact. 2 + 2 = 4. That was it, forever and ever, until a word guy, George Orwell, came along and showed everybody that 2 + 2 could = 5! Imagine that!
Well, that's just what they did, those numbers guys. They came up with imaginary numbers. Or really, imaginary numbers, because that's just how they presented the concept to us, in italics. The dowdy math teacher would dig out his hippest (read, only 15 years out of date) tie and suddenly channel Doug Henning to present the day's lesson: "Today we're going to learn about imaginary numbers!" (sorry, I'm a bit OCD when it comes to Doug Henning: I can't say or type his name without adding the parenthetical [whoa, what kind of DNA train-wreck resulted in that guy? He looks and acts like somebody dumped some concoction of two parts moonshine to three parts beaver adrenal gland fluid into a Chia Pet and left it to marinate under a strobe light all winter]). Now we over in the literature field, where imagination (duh, a pretty large part of humans' cosmos) is a given, never had to resort to italicizing a new book: Look boys and girls, this is an imaginary tale. No, a simple "this novel will kick your ass and attempt to wrench open your parochial mind, so shut up and start reading" usually did the trick.
Anyway, they blew it, the numbers guys did. Because after all their italicizing, to the point where an open-minded student like me actually stopped doodling for a second to prick up my ears, in the end, all those imaginary numbers fit the old rigid 2 + 2 = 4 rules anyway, which left me feeling baited and switched and hoping that the night's homework wouldn't be too time-demanding because that night the Tonight Show was definitely must see because Johnny's guest was Doug Henning (whoa ... [see above]).
Face it, there is no imagination in numbers. When people need new words they, being human and created in the image of their Maker, create them. Ever think about how exciting it is that you'll be using and over-using words and terms five years from now that don't even exist yet? But what do numbers guys do when they need a new number? They add a one, or, fasten your lab coats, a zero! That's not creation, that's throwing another stray sock onto the pile. Its almost as if every new word created had to fit neatly at the end of the dictionary, so just add another z. I've got it, a new word: zygotezzzz.
Which brings me to my point: the phenomenal but criminally underused word, umpteenth. But, alas, your mind is reeling, I'm sure, with the collision of the ying and yang, numbers and words, and all this heady metaphysics I've been slinging. And besides, it's getting past my bedtime, and, well, fine, I'll just say it: one simple allusion (not illusion) to Doug Henning (ibid.), and now I've got that Canadian troll careering around my consciousness to the point that I'll be lucky to fall asleep again two hours past bedtime next Wednesday. So, contemplate the umpteen more uses we can employ for the word umpteen and tune in tomorrow when I'll speak the word on the word umpteen(th).
And, as the master illusionist who will not be named again tonight always used to sign off, "Anything the mind can conceive is possible. Nothing is impossible. All you have to do is look within and you can realize your fondest dreams. I would like to wish each one of you all of life's wonders and a joyful age of enlightenment."
DJ Shadow-The Number Song
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