It started off innocently enough. I was driving home tonight, listening not too attentively to talk radio, and the talker used the phrase "...describes him to a t(ee)." Desperately trying to come up with something enlightening to relate to you all, I started to ponder this familiar phrase. Why t(ee)? Is it t or tee? What is so famously exact about t or tee that has made for the ubiquitous phrase? Could it be possible to describe someone to a q? Could something or someone suit someone to a ballmarker or a chin strap, as opposed to a golf tee or football tee? It was dark, deer are all over the roads these days, and I had kielbasa on my breath; I didn't need any further distractions. I needed answers and some mouthwash.
Turns out, like most words and phrases that interest me, it seems, no one is quite sure of the origin of the phrase, which explains, I guess, why "to a t" and "to a tee" are used pretty interchangably. The phrase dates back several hundred years, so it seems that tee, as in golf tee or football kicking tee, are right out. There's even talk of the tee in curling as a source, but I ain't no Canadian (not that there's anything wrong...) and I'm saving the act of brushing ice for when/if hell freezes over if/when I wind up there, so we're not going to consider that explanation at all. Some wags seem to want to attach the phrase to the carpenter's friendly T-square (we're talking exactness here, after all), but I dismissed that notion straight away because I can't tell a hammer from a nail (which always made listening to Simon & Garfunkel's "El Condor Pasa" an exercise in aural dyslexia for moi); besides, as I read on, the phrase pre-dates the invention of the T-square, so hah!
The best that anyone can do with the phrase, it seems, and several sources do do with it, has to do (get ready) with a little word that goes by the name of "tittle." It seems that this particular word means something like a jot or some mark with a pen or pencil indicating a letter (a very precise, exact mark, get it? I'm summarizing, it's from hundreds of years ago, it's even Biblical to an extent, trust me, or better yet, read this or that but no other for yourself). In effect, you might doodle some tittles when you're bored in a meeting (just don't tittle your doodle; it's frowned upon in most of the lower 48).
Now, if you're anything like me (and if you are, drop everything immediately and click this), it's one small step from digesting the new word tittle to pondering just what's the deal with the word titter, as in giggle. Well, the answer is best left to the argot of the wordsmiths: origin: 1610–20; perh. < Scand; cf. ON tittra to quiver, Sw (dial.) tittra to giggle. Gotta love those 17th century Scandinavians, and ya gotta love the word tittra.
So I'm thinking, all of this could lend itself to a good litmus test of your family come Thanksgiving dinner, to determine just where it--your family--lies on the levity spectrum. At some time during the course of your gratitude gorging, pipe up with a comment such as this: "Gosh, Aunt Madge, that cornucopia sweater you're sporting this evening suits you to a tittle." Or this: "That kids' table in the other room sure has a case of the titters." If such comments result in a slap, a gob of yams forked over into your face, or dishwashing duty with cousin Ned, your family is definitely jocularly challenged. If, however, such comments result in titters galore, great-grandma Lucy smiling and saying to no one in particular as she points fork tines at you, "I always liked that one," or best yet, a chorus of "so you read spitoutyourgum, too?!!" give extra thanks that your family is a mirthful one.
Now I suppose I could go on and run through the alphabet and try to describe just what exactly could be meant if _________ describes someone to an a, b, c, etc. And you know I would (and probably will some day) but the kielbasa's sitting heavy in my belly and I need to conserve energy for my 6 a.m. call to duty on the front lines of retail hell come Black Friday, so I must beg off for now. But also, I'd like to think that we (inclusive, not the Royal) are a little community here at spitoutyourgum, so I invite you to send me your notions about any or all the letters in the alphabet and how they might pertain to the question. Don't be bashbul. Make us tittra.
The Everly Brothers-T For Texas
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